Words to Live By

I do not have a lot to say lately.  I have felt very introspective and reflective these last couple of weeks. I'm slowly dealing with having to say goodbye to my home of five years, which is painful, and trying to deal with the anticipation of going somewhere new to start a new career.  However, I want to share with you a talk that expresses where my feelings and thoughts ultimately end up.  I first heard this talk in the MTC (Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah) when our teacher read it to us.  It had such  huge impact on me that I read it now almost as much as I do my patriarchal blessing.  It's called Consecrate Thy Performance given by Neal A. Maxwell, on of the Twelve Apostles for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I love how he blends the strong message about our responsibilities to The Lord, in with the powerful truth of our individual worth.  I will share the talk here, but you can also click the link above to read it on the Church website.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

These remarks are addressed to the imperfect but still striving in the household of faith. As always, my immediate audience is myself.

We tend to think of consecration only as yielding up, when divinely directed, our material possessions. But ultimate consecration is the yielding up of oneself to God. Heart, soul, and mind were the encompassing words of Christ in describing the first commandment, which is constantly, not periodically, operative (see Matt. 22:37). If kept, then our performances will, in turn, be fully consecrated for the lasting welfare of our souls (see 2 Ne. 32:9).

Such totality involves the submissive converging of feelings, thoughts, words, and deeds, the very opposite of estrangement: “For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart?” (Mosiah 5:13).

Many ignore consecration because it seems too abstract or too daunting. The conscientious among us, however, experience divine discontent because of progression mixed with procrastination. Hence, loving counsel is given with the confirmation of this direction, encouragement to continue the journey, and consolation as we experience individually the inherent degrees of difficulty.

Spiritual submissiveness is not accomplished in an instant, but by the incremental improvements and by the successive use of stepping-stones. Stepping-stones are meant to be taken one at a time anyway. Eventually our wills can be “swallowed up in the will of the Father” as we are “willing to submit … even as a child doth submit to his father” (see Mosiah 15:7;Mosiah 3:19). Otherwise, though striving, we will continue to feel the world’s prop wash and be partially diverted.

Illustrations involving economic consecration are relevant. When Ananias and Sapphira sold their possessions, they “kept back part of the price” (see Acts 5:1–11). So many of us cling tenaciously to a particular “part,” even treating our obsessions like possessions. Thus, whatever else we may have already given, the last portion is the hardest to yield. Granted, partial surrender is still commendable, but it resembles, more than faintly, the excuse, “I gave at the office” (see James 1:7–8).

We may, for instance, have a specific set of skills which we mistakenly come to think we somehow own. If we continue to cling to those more than to God, we are flinching in the face of the consecrating first commandment. Since God lends us “breath … from one moment to another,” hyperventilating over these distractions is not recommended! (Mosiah 2:21).

A stumbling block appears when we serve God generously with time and checkbooks but still withhold portions of our inner selves, signifying that we are not yet fully His!

Some have difficulty when particular tasks enter their sunset phase. John the Baptist is a model, however, saying of Jesus’ growing flock, “He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:30). Mistakenly regarding our present assignments as the only indicator of how much God loves us only adds to our reluctance to let go. Brothers and sisters, our individual worth is already divinely established as “great”; it does not fluctuate like the stock market.

Other stepping-stones remain unused because, like the rich, righteous young man, we are not yet willing to confront what we yet lack (see Mark 10:21). A residue of selfishness is thereby exposed.

Shrinking occurs in so many ways. The terrestrial kingdom, for example, will include the “honorable,” clearly not bearers of false witness. Yet they were still “not valiant in the testimony of Jesus” (D&C 76:75, 79). The best way to valiantly testify of Jesus is to become steadily more like Him, and it is that consecration that carves out the emulative character (see 3 Ne. 27:27).

In meeting these recited challenges, spiritual submissiveness is fortunately and helpfully adroit—sometimes helping us to “let go” of things, even mortal life, other times to “hold fast,” and still other times to use the next stepping-stone (see 1 Ne. 8:30).

But if we lack proportion, the next few yards can seem so formidable. Though aware of how God blessed ancient Israel to escape from mighty Pharaoh and his hosts, myopic Laman and Lemuel still lacked faith in God to help them with a mere local Laban.

We can also be deflected if we are too anxious to please those who are ascendant in our professional and avocational niches. Pleasing “other gods” instead of the real God still violates the first commandment (Ex. 20:3).

We sometimes even defend our idiosyncrasies, as if these protrusions somehow constituted our individuality. In a way, discipleship is a “contact sport,” as the Prophet Joseph testified:

“I am like a huge, rough stone … and the only polishing I get is when some corner gets rubbed off by coming in contact with something else, striking with accelerated force. … Thus I will become a smooth and polished shaft in the quiver of the Almighty” (Teachings of the ProphetJoseph Smith, sel. Joseph Fielding Smith [1976], 304).

Since knees often bend long before minds, holding back this “part” deprives God’s work of some of mankind’s very best intellects. Far better to be meek like Moses, who learned things he “never had supposed” (Moses 1:10). Yet, sadly, brothers and sisters, in the subtle interplay of agency and identity, there is so much hesitation. The surrender of the mind is actually a victory, because it then introduces us to God’s stretching and “higher” ways! (see Isa. 55:9).

Ironically, inordinate attention, even to good things, can diminish our devotion to God. For instance, one can be too caught up in sports and the forms of body worship we see among us. One can reverence nature and yet neglect nature’s God. One can have an exclusionary regard for good music and similarly with a worthy profession. In such circumstances, the “weightier matters” are often omitted (Matt. 23:23; see also 1 Cor. 2:16). Only the Highest One can fully guide us as to the highest good which you and I can do.

On the two great commandments, Jesus declared emphatically, everything else hangs, not vice versa (see Matt. 22:40). The first commandment is not suspended just because of our vigorous pursuit of a lesser good, for we do not worship a lesser god.

Before enjoying the harvests of righteous efforts, let us therefore first acknowledge God’s hand. Otherwise, the rationalizations appear, and they include, “My power and the might of mine hand hath gotten me this wealth” (Deut. 8:17). Or, we “vaunt” ourselves, as ancient Israel would have done (except for Gideon’s deliberately small army), by boasting that “mine own hand hath saved me” (Judg. 7:2). Touting our own “hand” makes it doubly hard to confess God’s hand in all things (see Alma 14:11;D&C 59:21).

At a place called Meribah, one of the greatest ever, Moses, was fatigued by people clamoring for water. Momentarily, Moses “spake unadvisedly,” saying, “Must we fetch you water?” (Ps. 106:33; Num. 20:10; see alsoDeut. 4:21). The Lord mentored remarkable Moses through the pronoun problem and further magnified him. We would do well to be as meek as Moses (see Num. 12:3).

Jesus never, never, never lost His focus! Though He went about doing so very much good, He always knew that the Atonement awaited, pleading with perspective, “Father, save me from this hour: but for this cause came I unto this hour” (John 12:27; see also John 5:30; John 6:38).

As you and I develop additional love, patience, and meekness, the more we have to give God and humanity. Moreover, no one else is placed exactly as we are in our opportune human orbits.

Granted, the stepping-stones take us into new territory which we may be very reluctant to explore. Hence, the successful users of the stepping-stones are powerful motivators for the rest of us. We usually pay more attention to those we quietly admire. The hungry prodigal son remembered the menus in his home, but he was also drawn by other memories, declaring, “I will arise and go to my father” (Luke 15:18).

In striving for ultimate submission, our wills constitute all we really have to give God anyway. The usual gifts and their derivatives we give to Him could be stamped justifiably “Return to Sender,” with a capital S. Even when God receives this one gift in return, the fully faithful will receive “all that [He] hath” (D&C 84:38). What an exchange rate!

Meanwhile, certain realities remain: God has given us our lives, our agency, our talents, and our opportunities; He has given us our possessions; He has given us our appointed mortal spans complete with the needed breaths (see D&C 64:32). Guided by such perspective, we will avoid serious errors of proportion. Some of these are far less amusing than would be hearing a double quartet and mistaking it for the Tabernacle Choir!

No wonder President Hinckley has stressed our being a covenant people, emphasizing the covenants of the sacrament, tithing, and the temple, citing sacrifice as the “very essence of the Atonement” (Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley [1997], 147).

Breathtaking submissiveness was achieved by the Savior as He faced the anguish and agonies of the Atonement and “would that [He] might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink” (D&C 19:18). On our small, imperfect scale, we face tests and wish that these would somehow be taken away.

Consider this: What of Jesus’ ministry if He had performed additional miracles but without the transcending miracle of Gethsemane and Calvary? His other miracles brought blessed extensions of life and lessened suffering—for some. But how could these miracles possibly compare with the greatest miracle of the universal Resurrection? (see 1 Cor. 15:22). The multiplying of the loaves and fishes fed a hungry multitude. Even so, recipients were soon hungry again, while those who partake of the Bread of Life will never hunger again (see John 6:51, 58).

In pondering and pursuing consecration, understandably we tremble inwardly at what may be required. Yet the Lord has said consolingly, “My grace is sufficient for you” (D&C 17:8). Do we really believe Him? He has also promised to make weak things strong (see Ether 12:27). Are we really willing to submit to that process? Yet if we desire fulness, we cannot hold back part!

Having our wills increasingly swallowed up by the will of the Father actually means an enhanced individuality, stretched and more capable of receiving “all that [God] hath” (D&C 84:38). Besides, how could we be entrusted with His “all” until our wills are much more like His? Nor could His “all” be fully appreciated by the partially committed.

Frankly, it is our prospective selves we betray by holding back whatever the “part.” No need therefore to ask, “Lord, is it I?” (Matt. 26:22). Rather, let us inquire about our individual stumbling blocks, “Lord, is it this?” We may have known the answer for a long time and may need resolve more than His response.

The greatest happiness in God’s generous plan is finally reserved for those who are willing to stretch and to pay the costs of journeying to His regal realm. Brothers and sisters, “come, let us anew [this] journey pursue” (“Come, Let Us Anew,” Hymns, no. 217).

In the name of the Lord of the outstretched arm (see D&C 103:17; D&C 136:22), even Jesus Christ, amen. 

Moving to Logan

I am moving to Logan.  This is a very strange turn of events for me, in the fact that it does not feel strange.  I was reflecting upon this drive that I have to move, and I cannot for the life of me explain how it all came about.  I cannot pin point the moment I knew I was supposed to move.  I can pin point the moment I knew I was moving to Logan, but the need to move in the first place was, I think, fluid.  It was a culmination of throwing many different options in to one pot, letting them simmer, and ending up in a stew that tasted very much like the closing of my chapter in Moscow, Idaho, and the beginning of a new chapter for me in Logan, Utah.  All of this, I have to say, is due to constant communication with my Heavenly Father (please excuse me always calling him My Heavenly Father. Though I am very attached to Him, and claim Him as my own, I am very much aware, and firmly believe that He is Your Heavenly Father as well).
Let me switch topics for just a moment, and hopefully this will make more sense.  I gave a talk in church this last Sunday.  I have given talks in church before, but this was the most nerve wracking one I have given so far.  It was in front of a much larger audience, and one of the General Authorities was there (a General Authority, is a leader who works very closely with the Prophet).  The topic I was to speak on was a scripture in 3 Nephi 12:48 which says, "Therefore I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect".  There is a similar scripture in Matthew 5:48 that says, "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect".  Upon first reading these scriptures, it is easy to get caught up in the word "perfect" and think it is an impossible task.  However, after doing some research, I came upon a talk that Elder Russell M. Nelson, an apostle of The Lord, gave in October 1995 called Perfection Pending. In this talk, he explains the word "perfect", when taken back to its original Greek, actually means to complete, to finish, or come to an end.  I recommend reading that talk, because he gives a much more fascinating explanation than I ever could, but from that talk I learned that The Savior hadn't reached "perfection" in the sense that these scriptures are referring to until He had finished His mission here on earth and was resurrected.  So, when He asks us in Matthew to be perfect like our Heavenly Father, and in 3 Nephi, like He and our Heavenly Father (because in 3 Nephi, He was speaking as the resurrected Savior), He is asking us to fulfill our missions.  We were each sent here to learn and to grow, both important things, but we were also sent here to do certain things, to complete a mission of our own.  He is asking us to be complete, and we cannot be complete unless to do what we were sent here to do.
So, how do we fulfill something we don't even remember agreeing to do?  We have to seek guidance from our Heavenly Father through the Holy Ghost.  We have to follow the promptings of the Spirit.  This is why I am moving to Logan.  I don't know exactly what is in store for me there, but I do know that it is important for me to be obedient to the promptings I receive, and that The Lord will prepare me in every needful thing to be able to accomplish the things He asks me to do.
I know that our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ, love me, and they love you, so very much.  I know that they are there for us, to help us in any circumstance, if we will open our hearts to them.  If you are struggling with a decision in your life, or just feel like you could use an extra person on your side, I would encourage you to open up your heart in prayer, and I know you will feel the love that our Heavenly Father has for you and you will be uplifted and supported by our Savior.
I would love to hear your stories or any feedback in the comments.

Why my relationships are all about me

    It sounds like a selfish statement, but let me explain.  When it comes down to it, really comes down to the bottom line, I’m the only person in this world that I can control.  Believe me, I’ve tried!  But I’m the only one that I can control, which means, I’m the only person whose salvation I can guarantee.  I’m the only person who’s standing with the lord I can have a say in.  Sure, the choices we make affect others and others act according to our own actions, but even in that moment, I cannot choose for that person what they should feel or what they should do, I can only choose what my next action is going to be.

    Let me explain a bit.  I came from a family who tired their hardest, but weren’t perfect (for the record, I have yet to meet a family that has reached perfection, just sayin’). Don’t get me wrong, my parents did the absolute best they could given what they had going on inside. But doing your best and giving all you can, at the time, still doesn’t make your kid exempt from having issues in the future.  Doing your best doesn’t magically wipe away any dysfunction that might exist, no matter how well intentioned you are. So my family wasn’t perfect, neither was I. 

When I came home off my mission, I was a changed woman, as most missionaries are, and struggled to re-adjust to the “real” life.  Now, maybe all missionaries go through this, but once again, this is all about me, so stay with me on this.  Returning from my mission, I felt enormous pressure for things, including myself, to go back to the way they were before my mission.  I had changed too much, and for my world to reach equilibrium, I was going to have to go back to who I used to be.  Who I used to be was the golden child, the peacemaker, and the clown.  Who I used to be was also extremely low in self-confidence, self-esteem, pretty ignorant to the global world, and very immature. 

My mission, I felt, was a pivotal point in my life.  I felt like I was finally figuring out who I really was.  I was learning how to hone natural skills I had been blessed with, and I was building great amounts of confidence. 

Coming home I felt like I was forced to choose between the two different versions of myself.  Looking at my life as a missionary, I felt much like Joseph Smith, the things I had learned couldn’t be unlearned.  I knew it, and I knew God knew that I knew it, and I could not deny it.  I couldn’t unlearn things and I couldn’t go back to who I was any more than you can force a square peg into a round hole. So, after much inner turmoil, and counseling, and prayer and fasting, I ended up cutting off all contact with my family. That’s about the time I moved up here to Moscow, Idaho. 

    For about five years, I had no contact with my family.  I struggled to overcome a lot of past, to be honest with myself about who I was, who my family were, and to be honest about my relationship with my Father in Heaven.  What I found out, was that The Lord had to tear down everything I thought about how things were “supposed” to work, and He had to re-teach me everything from the ground up.  I think it is C.S. Lewis that uses the parable of the mansion that is getting a remodel in comparison with our lives in The Lord’s hands.  I felt like a mansion that was not only getting remodeled, but also getting downsized to a shack. Turns out, I wasn’t as amazing as I thought I was.

    On the other hand I wasn’t as horrible as I thought I was either.  I found out that my family members were human.  I found out that my Father in Heaven wasn’t, that in fact, He was perfect.  And I found out, that ultimately, it is all about me. 

During it all, I wished that my loved-ones could see how badly I had been hurting trying to fit back into life after my mission.  I wished so badly that they could all see their potential and reach for it, as I had learned to do.  I wished that they could understand things from my perspective.  But I had/have no control over anyone, I only have control over me, and over what I am going to do in this moment.  I learned that staying where I was, wishing for all those things outside of me to change, was insanity and, actually, it would hold me back from my own growth. 

   Now, at this point, some of you might be wondering, “but what about your family?  How did they handle it?  How could you do that to them?”  Well, that’s what I’m trying to tell you, is that just as much as my relationships are all about me, so were each of my family member’s relationships with me, about them.  I’m SURE that it was painful, and there were a lot of hurt and angry feelings.  And they have every right to those feelings. I left them in the dust!  But here’s the thing, no matter what they were feeling, those were THEIR feelings, not mine.  I could not feel those feelings for them and I could not spare them those feelings.  Just like Heavenly Father couldn’t take the cup away from the Savior.  None of us can spare our family members from the pain that we cause them.  Now, I’m not trying to justify my actions by claiming to be anything like the Savior, nor am I saying we should go around hurting each other’s feelings because “that’s their problem”, but what I am saying, what I learned, is that I cannot lock myself up so tight, and not let myself feel, shine, or grow, with all my epic failures that come along with it just to spare someone else from feeling something that they don’t like feeling.  For me, that meant total separation from my family in order to sort myself out.  That’s rather drastic!  I don’t recommend it, if you can avoid it. But for me, it was absolutely necessary! 

Again, my point is this.   My relationships are about me.  I choose how I’m going to act in them, and that means making the choice of whether or not I am going to be acted upon.  It also means taking on extreme amounts of responsibility for your actions, and I learned quickly that the lens of kindness is the best one to look out of when determining what my choices are going to be. 

I chose to open my heart up to my Heavenly Father and start from scratch building a relationship with Him.  I chose to learn what healthy relationships are supposed to look like, and then I chose to start patterning my relationships after those healthy relationships.  I made the heartbreaking decision to cut off contact with my family, knowing that the only way I could be of any help to my family was to make myself healthy first.  And then I chose after five years, and with the help of my Heavenly Father, to finally forgive, put past perceived wrongs behind me and start building a relationship with my family again from scratch. 

I have no control over my family’s feelings or choices, which means in some cases that there may not be as much of a relationship as I would like, but I can still make the choice to love and support them in the ways that I can. 

So, when you think about it, it’s really quite glorious, because that means, that when one of my friends or family members makes a “mistake” (I put it in quotes, because 9 times out of 10 I’m the one who perceives it to be a mistake when it’s actually not) in the relationship department, I am the one that can choose to take that grief to my Heavenly Father and ask Him to help me understand it and overcome it, because, hey, they were just acting in their own self interest.  That provides me with a tremendous amount of freedom to choose to love my loved-ones, period.  I have the freedom to choose to forgive them.  I have the freedom to ask my Heavenly Father to help me with those things because I cannot do them on my own, but I have the freedom to ask.  It’s all about me.  That’s what I fought for in the pre-existence.  That’s what we fought for in the pre-existence.  The freedom to choose… for ourselves.

Pattern of Confusion

I've been here before.  I feel lost and confused.  I feel like I'm being shoved toward a precipice and will fall off it I don't make some hard and fast decisions.  I feel a sense of urgency that is so strong…but it's not real…

The difference this time, is that I know it's not real.  I am aware, maybe not completely aware, but I am aware of what is going on here.  I was blessed.  I was blessed with an increase of spirituality and understanding of…my life and what is in store for me.  I was blessed to know and understand a little bit more about the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and how that works.  I was blessed physically, mentally, emotionally, and intellectually, and now it is time for the opposition.  It is impossible to be blessed with so much good without the opposition being allowed to have his turn.  So, here I am, in the middle of opposition, feeling sorry for myself, and doing a little wallowing.  Like I said, the difference this time, is that I know what's going on.  I know that the relentless barrage of negativity and confusion surrounding me is Satan trying to get me to second guess everything I have just received from my Heavenly Father. I know that all roads that Satan is pointing me towards are not pointing me towards "Rome," but are trying to get me to distance myself from truth and light.  I also know that part of this opposition is that, by necessity, the heavens have to be silent  during this period of time. 

I know all of that, I just don't like it. 

Okay, so they're not completely silent, but they aren't as vocal as they previously were!  I still get promptings that let me know that I am not going insane, and that I actually do know what is right, and to be patient. And I know, that though the Lord may be more silent, He has not left my side.

I guess most importantly, I know that this is part of the process, and that I will come out of it stronger and with more faith and hope than I have previously had. 

I find that more often than not, when I am going through a hard time like this, that I am not the only one. So, if you find yourself in a similar situation, maybe this will be a little beacon of hope for you…

"The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace"

or in other words

The Lord will fight for you, all you have to do is hold still

-Exodus 14:14

How do we pray for others, keeping their agency in mind?

This is a topic I have been thinking a lot about lately.  I live quite a distance from my family, so there is very little I can physically do for them.  So, I pray for them.  In general, I pray for their safety, and happiness, but that is very broad and sometimes we need more specific help.
When I got home from my mission, I met a friend, we'll call her Alice, who was not a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and the circumstances in her life were such that I thought sharing the Gospel with her would be helpful in her life.  The problem was that she already had a church that she went to and she had no interest in what I had to share with her.  I was never pushy about it.  When the topic of beliefs came up, I was very honest with her, but I never tried to "sell" her anything.  However, I always felt uneasy about the situation.  I could see big gaps of sadness and misunderstanding that could be filled with the glory of the Gospel, but I could also see a lot of fear in searching any other religion than the one she was raised in for answers.

I decided to talk the situation over with another good friend, we'll call her Karen, who is a member of my church and who could understand where I was coming from.  I hadn't counted on Karen understanding where Alice was coming from just as well as she understood me.  She was able to lend me insight to the fact that what I wanted for Alice was not what she wanted for herself.  With some explanation of difference in doctrine, she helped me to see that what I thought was a common point between Alice and myself, was actually worlds apart.  What I thought she wanted, she actually didn't want.  I thought she wanted Disney Land, but she knew the county fair, and she was happy with the county fair and didn't want Disney Land at all.  I thought, well, of course she would want Disney Land, because it's bigger and better than the county fair.  True, it costs more, but it is worth the cost, so of course.  I learned from this experience that sometimes for some people the cost is too high and not worth it when you already have something that works perfectly well right in front of you. 

Now, for a different story, I had another friend who's family were all church goers all her life.  She had a big brother that she looked up to whom everyone thought could do no wrong.  He went away to college, and things went down hill for him.  He made some choices that took him away from being an active member of the church, and he remained inactive for many years.  This friend of mine prayed for her brother all the time, and later she confided in me that every month, when she would fast, she would fast for him that he would come back to the Gospel.  That seemed a fairly reasonable and noble thing to do, however, I felt a little uneasy about the situation.  There was something there that I didn't understand that The Lord taught me…well, just recently. 

Here is the lesson: agency.  In the cases of both stories, how do you pray for someone, keeping their agency in mind?  Heavenly Father cannot take away our agency, and cannot act contrary to our agency.  He cannot bless us with a blessing we don't want.  That is why prayer is so important. It is important in our prayers to ask Him for blessings, so that He can actually give them to us.  There are so many blessings He has waiting for us.  We need to ask for these blessings and qualify for them, but He cannot give them to us, even if we qualify for them, if we don't ask for them.  If we do qualify for them and don't ask for them, it is like saving money for years with the intent to buy a car, and then never talking to the dealer.  Sometimes, someone can asks for blessings on our behalf, but we have to want them and qualify for them.  

As I thought about my friend praying and fasting for her older brother, I thought, what if he doesn't want what you're praying for?  What if he is quite happy where he is, and isn't interested in returning to church, ever?  That would be a sad thought indeed, but what if it is true nonetheless? 

Please understand, I am not saying we shouldn't pray for others, and I'm not saying we should not pray on behalf of someone else just in case they don't want what we're praying for.  What I am saying, is maybe we can pray smarter.  What if, instead of just asking for her brother to come back to the church, my friend also prayed that the righteous desires of her brother's heart would be met?  Her added faith to a cause that he desires, that is righteous, could work miracles.  If he's not going to church himself, it might not be much of a stretch to think that he's not praying as regularly.  Maybe he is, and if so, great, she can still add her faith to his on his behalf.   If he is not praying, however, and if he has righteous desires, her asking for them on his behalf, is something that could be helpful.
What if she were to pray that someone would come into her brother's life that would be a good influence on him?  What if I were to pray that Alice would be able to strengthen her relationship with her Savior?  It's something I could honestly say she wanted, and it is something that would enrich her life and help her immensely.  What if we took some time to really think about what that person wants, and what we want for them (happiness), and figure out how we can help them reach their happiness (in righteousness), not ours.  

I think a lot of times agency is something we associate with choice, and choice alone.  I have come to understand that along with choice, agency has to do with desire.  We are not going to make choices contrary to our desire.  We may have a desire to lose weight, but if our desire to eat fast food is stronger than our desire to lose weight, we will make decisions accordingly.  The really cool thing, is that Heavenly Father can do a lot with our desires.  Even if our desire starts out as just a small desire.  Even if we don't quite have a desire for a certain thing yet, but we have a desire to have that desire. He can work with that.  We have to ask for that help though.  Many times, I have prayed and asked Heavenly Father to help my desire in doing x, or to quit doing y, to increase, and He has done it.  Many times, I have seen something I needed to change in myself, but I liked doing it too much, and I had to ask Him to help me develop the desire to want to change.

So, here's the point, how do we pray for someone, keeping their agency in mind? We keep their desires in mind, and if we are unsure of their desires, we pray for their righteous desires to be met.  We pray for Heavenly Father to bless them with blessings He sees fit for them to have at this time.  After all, He knows them better than we do, and He knows their situation, and their needs.  We pray smart, and we pray for them and not for what we want for them.

Questions? Comments? Profound statements? Let me know below.

50 New Things About Me

Looking back through my old posts, I realized it has been a while since I posted the first 100 things about me and since that time, I have changed a bit.  Here are 50 new things about me. Enjoy…

1. I play the piano.
2. I play the guitar.
3. I am a bit of a food snob.
4. I believe that if you don't use at least 1 lb. of butter when you are cooking Thanks Giving dinner, you are doing it wrong!
5. I love drinking water, but only if it is ice cold.
6. I have two cats, brother and sister, named Archimedes and Tigerlily.
7. One of my life's ambitions is to visit as many LDS temples as I possibly can.
8. I am the third great-granddaughter of Cheng Bunker, one of the original "Siamese twins".
9. I am an artist.
10. I love art history.
11. I love all history.
12. I love teaching.
13. I currently don't have a car, and get around by bus, walking, or rides.
14. The next time I move, my goal is to move to the beach.
15. I talk to my cats as if they can understand me…cause they can!
16. I have a couple steel plates holding my lower back together.
17. I have all the gear to be a roller derby rock star.
18. I was actually in roller derby until issues with my back no longer allowed me to continue.
19. I have started to get the hang of gardening, and so far the plant I get along with most is the tomato plant. Yumm!!
20. I love cooking with fresh ingredients, and will only cook with something out of a can if it is necessary.
21. I don't really like cooking a meal with a crockpot.  Again, food snob.
22. I love reading.
23. I actually like reading cookbooks.  I could be entertained with a new cookbook for hours.
24. I very strongly loath the Twilight series. If you need a reason, comment below, and I would be happy to fill you in on my opinion.
25. I have no problem (generally) trying new and even weird food.  After eating pig rectum, everything else seems pretty tame.
26. I ate pig rectum in Taiwan as, get this, an appetizer!  I also ate pig ear (with the hair still attached), skin, stomach, and many other weird body parts along with tofu that smelled and tasted like death.
27. My favorite fruit is guava.
28. I am the youngest of four children.
29. I have a horrible poker face when it comes to hiding how I feel about someone.  I'm working on it.
30. I am a Harry Potter nerd, and I'm not afraid of anyone knowing it.
31. I am an Anglophile, and not afraid of anyone knowing it.
32. One of my favorite tv series is The Vicar of Dibley.
33. I am a Whovian
34. I think Marcel Duchamp (the guy with the urinal) is one of the greatest artists of all time.
35. I believe that art should not be easy to understand.  It should make you think really hard and reach for understanding, otherwise, it is adding to the pile of garbage that makes you brain dead.
36. One of my favorite things in the world is getting to know someone, and leaving them better than I found them.  Anything I can do or say to make them feel better about themselves, is one of the greatest feelings ever.
37. I believe that everyone is creative…they just don't know it yet.
38. As a result of #37, it drives my nuts when people say they are "not the creative type". There is no "type".
39. Following this theme, another one of my favorite things is to do is to create.
40. I have quite a bit of art work around my house that is absolute crap, but it has sentimental value, so I haven't thrown it away…yet.
41. All of the art work hanging on my walls in my home (besides two large pictures of the temple) was done by me.
42. The first time I heard the story of Joseph Smith seeing Heavenly Father and the Savior Jesus Christ was some time between birth and kindergarten, and the second I heard that story, I knew it was true.  That belief has stuck with me ever since and is as strong today as it was back then.
43. In my lifetime, there have been three movies that I watched so much that I had the whole movie memorized: The Lion King, Newsies, and Pirates of the Caribbean.
44.  I secretly want to swim with sharks.  Sure, swimming with dolphins would be cool, but swimming with sharks, though admittedly unnerving, would be amazing also.
45. Unrelated to #44, I think being eaten by a shark would be one of the coolest ways to die.  Apart from being horrifyingly scared whilst being eaten by a shark, I have to think that there would be a part of me that would be thinking, "I'm being taken down by one of, if not the top predator in the world."
46. This may sound weird to real fish enthusiasts, but my favorite fish to eat is a nice rainbow trout.  Now, it has to be caught in the right conditions.  In a nice clear river or in a clean lake is best.  If it is caught in a muddy, swampy, I-dont't-think-so lake, then it's going to taste like the mud it came from.
47. Even as a kid, I never liked the taste of Spaghetti O's.
48. I never tasted brussel sprouts as a kid, and so, I just figured I didn't like them because all kids are supposed to hate brussel sprouts.  It turns out that I love them!
49. I very much believe that average people talk about people, smart people talk about things, and wise people talk about ideas.
50. I truly believe that forgiveness is not a gift we give others by forgiving them, but that it is a gift we give ourselves as we let go of the hurt and anger and let God fill that whole with his love and forgiveness for us.

Do any of these surprise you?  Let me know by commenting!

My Mile Deep Inch Wide River

In 2004 in KaoHsiung, Taiwan, Elder Dallin H. Oaks and his wife came to our mission to speak to us.  Elder Oaks had many great things to say that helped me on my mission, but the one thing that really stuck out to me was in Sister Oaks' talk.  She described to us a river that was a mile wide, but only an inch deep.  She compared that river to the knowledge we can attain in this life.  She encouraged us to seek out something in our lives we could gained greater understanding about and make it our personal river.  However, instead of it being a mile wide and an inch deep, our river was to be and inch wide and a mile deep.  Basically, she told us to stand for something.  For example, if I had a really strong understanding and testimony of keeping the Sabbath Day holy, or paying tithing, or serving others, then I would make my knowledge and understanding in that thing so deep and strong that nothing could shake me from that belief.
Over the years, I have thought about that concept a lot, and wondered what my mile deep river was going to be. About 3 years ago, I finally figured out what it was.  My inch-wide-mile-deep-river is my belief and understanding that God is our loving Heavenly Father, and that He wants to have a relationship with us just as much…no, more than, our earthly parents.  I say more, because our Heavenly Father is perfect, and our earthly parents are not, bless them. Those times when we, as children, act imperfectly, He still loves us perfectly. Our earthly parents, however, might struggle with how to deal with us during those times.
Let me explain a bit more.  I believe that we are all literally children of God.  I am his daughter, you are his son, or daughter, in a very real way.  He created us, and we lived with Him for a long time as spirits before we came here to earth.  We learned a lot of things from Him. We walked and talked with Him, and we wanted so badly to grow up to be like Him.  The problem was, that He had a perfected body, and we were still only a spirit.  He created a plan for us to come to this earth to get a body, and learn things you can only learn in a body.  He also made it so we couldn't remember our life with Him before, so that we could learn and grow.  In this body, that by nature only wants to eat drink and be merry, we learn how to call on Him for help and ask Him to teach us things so that we could master this inherently selfish body and become more like our perfect Father in Heaven.
Now, I grew up a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but during my childhood and teenage years, I very rarely prayed.  Prayer was something that was very hard for me to get a grip on.  It wasn't until…hmm…now that I think of it, I think it wasn't until my mission that I learned to pray regularly.  Until then, I would pray only when I really needed (wanted is more like it) something really bad.  I was selfish, if I'm honest.  But Heavenly Father was patient with me, and knew I had a lot to learn.  It wasn't until after my mission, when life seemed to get really hard, that I  felt like my prayers had meaning, and I was "connecting with someone" on the other end.  That's when I decided to take a very very honest look at my life.
I learned that honesty was the first step in getting my life on a path that would lead me back to my Heavenly Father.  I had to be honest about where I was in my life, and at that point,  I was directionless, and held back by some things in my past.  The only thing I knew for sure I wanted in my life was to stay close to my Heavenly Father (I had seen a lot of the opposite in my life and wanted no part of that). I had to be honest about what my relationship was with my Heavenly Father. At that point, it was not great.  I didn't trust Him, I didn't know Him, and I didn't feel like He really loved me, but I did know that He was real…well, I guess I should say, I had a very strong hope and belief that He was real.
Once I was done opening up all these cans of honesty, it was time to do something about it.  So I opened my heart to my Heavenly Father and I laid it all out on the line.  I told Him how I felt, what I believed, what I was struggling with, I even told Him that I didn't trust him.  This was breaking form for me from all the prayers of my youth, where you say what you are thankful for, then you ask for what you need, and end it in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ…a great way to start, but for me at that point, it had gotten very soulless.  This time, I talked to God like he was a physical person sitting right beside me listening to every word I said.  It felt strange…because it didn't feel strange.  It felt good.  I felt like I was being heard, and I felt loved.
That was the first step on this journey I had embarked on, to build a relationship with my Heavenly Father.  Since then, I have come to understand Him as a parent.  I have come to understand what a perfect parenting relationship with an imperfect child looks like.  I have felt loved by Him as often as I would  let that love in to my heart.  I have been taught by Him so many things that have helped my life improve daily.  I have gained a friend and father that I can share all of my troubles with and receive love and guidance.
So, this is my inch-wide-mile-deep-river, I know that God is real.  I know that He loves each of us without prejudice.  I know that as His daughter, I have the potential to grow up to be like Him if I will stay close to Him.  I know that He is perfect.  And I love Him with all of my heart.

How to Bear One Another's Burden

 While I am not a mother, I have been in several positions of leadership in my life, where the emotional and spiritual, if not physical, welfare of others has been under my stewardship.  During these times, I have learned a lesson over and over again that has recently helped me to understand this concept of "bearing one another's burdens" on a deeper level.  It is a concept that I learned from Gandhi, actually.  The story is told in many different versions from many different sources, so let my paraphrase it here for you.  
The story goes, that a mother brought her son to Gandhi so that he would use his wonderful influence to make the boy stop eating sugar.  Gandhi told the woman he would, but that she would have to come back in a week.  The mother left, very upset that he didn't just tell her son on the spot to not eat sugar, but came back in a week as Gandhi desired.  When she brought her son before Gandhi, he knelt down before the little boy, and said to him, "My child, please stop eating sugar. It is unhealthy for you."
The mother was again upset, and asked, "Why did it take you a whole week to tell him this?"
Gandhi looked at the mother and said, "I was still eating sugar myself last week."
Over the years, I have had many opportunities to talk with mother's who are struggling with a child who is…struggling.  A mother worries over the fact that her daughter doesn't want to go to church and doesn't understand the point of it.  Another mother is dealing with a son who has major control issues, and thinks his parents rules are confining and stupid.  While yet another mother couldn't understand why her daughter was so irresponsible and lacked motivation.  My advice to them has always lead my back to this story of Gandhi and this idea of leading by example.  However, to say it is just that simple, is neither true, nor helpful. It is more complex than that.
I served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints almost 10 years ago.  As a missionary, it was my job to teach people about the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ, and invite them to come unto Christ.  As I did this, the people I would come across had many different challenges and I had to figure out how to understand those challenges, and how to help those people overcome them.  The most effective way for me to do that, was to find the "root" of their problem, and work on overcoming that "problem" inside myself.  
For example, there was an amazing woman we met in Tainan, Taiwan.  She had a drink truck that sold all sorts of cold teas and drinks to passersby on a hot day.  Her problem was that in order to make ends meet, their family ran their drink truck seven days a week just to make ends meet.  She had a problem closing down the drink truck on Sunday to come to church.  So, I made that my problem, and I studied everything I could about it.  I pondered why Sunday was the Sabbath, why it was so important, and how I could make my Sabbath worship more meaningful.  I set goals on how to accomplish it, and I worked on those goals as we continued to teach her.  A couple of weeks later, I was able to share with her my experiences and how The Lord had blessed me for making these changes.  That week, she was able to come to church, something her drink truck business had not allowed her to do in the past. She was able to feel the Spirit, and was blessed to feel the love of The Lord, and learn for herself the importance of keeping the Sabbath day holy. 
More than the fact that I had seen things from her point of view was the fact that I had taken on her burden.  This concept takes the old adage "do as I say, not as I do," and kicks it to the curb.  If you want people to follow, then you lead by example, yes, however, if you want to help them to overcome hard things, you have to lift the burden with them. I had a new realization about this concept this week as I thought about loved ones in my life, and how I can be more a part of their life.  I had a prompting to ask each of them what they would have me include in my prayers for them.  Praying for people is well and lovely, but sometimes can be tricky if you don't want to overstep your bounds and encroach on their agency.  However, to pray for something that person feels very passionately about, or that is something they've  been praying about for a while that a could use a little extra faith, is a very powerful thing.  If you're struggling with a life decision, or struggling with a trial, and I can add my faith to yours, is that something you would say no to? Not only am I able to add my faith to a cause you feel strongly about, but in a very real sense I am bearing your burden with you, which makes that burden lighter.  If your child is struggling with self-esteem issues, and you make that problem your own, you study it, you set a goal, and you work on greater self-esteem yourself, you are better equipping yourself to cope with the issues your child might bring to you.  You are bearing their burden, by making their burden yours and showing them that they matter, because you're taking the time to understand their pain and struggle. If your spouse is having  hard time understanding your side of things, and having a hard time showing love to you as you need it, then take the time to study their side of things.  Take the time to understand how they need to be loved. Pray for more love and understanding for them. Bear their burden.  Make it light.  They will come to understand their problems in a whole new light, because they won't have to deal with those problems alone.
I think my point is made by now, I just want to emphasis this one last portion with an example from the Savior.  He said, "take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly of heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light". -Matthew 11:29-30
Ever since my mission, I have come to understand the power that comes from inviting someone (which always includes myself) to change.  That invitation to change is always related to the concept we have just studied. So, I would like to offer a challenge here, and it may become a regular part of this blog…who knows.
I would challenge all of us, to ponder on the above scripture for a moment, and prayerfully consider what it means to take His yoke upon us.  Then, for the next week, pray for and look for the opportunities to do that, to take His yoke upon you.  I would love to hear what you learn along the way and how this challenge goes for you, so please leave a comment!