Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Words to Live By

I do not have a lot to say lately.  I have felt very introspective and reflective these last couple of weeks. I'm slowly dealing with having to say goodbye to my home of five years, which is painful, and trying to deal with the anticipation of going somewhere new to start a new career.  However, I want to share with you a talk that expresses where my feelings and thoughts ultimately end up.  I first heard this talk in the MTC (Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah) when our teacher read it to us.  It had such  huge impact on me that I read it now almost as much as I do my patriarchal blessing.  It's called Consecrate Thy Performance given by Neal A. Maxwell, on of the Twelve Apostles for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I love how he blends the strong message about our responsibilities to The Lord, in with the powerful truth of our individual worth.  I will share the talk here, but you can also click the link above to read it on the Church website.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

These remarks are addressed to the imperfect but still striving in the household of faith. As always, my immediate audience is myself.
We tend to think of consecration only as yielding up, when divinely directed, our material possessions. But ultimate consecration is the yielding up of oneself to God. Heart, soul, and mind were the encompassing words of Christ in describing the first commandment, which is constantly, not periodically, operative (see Matt. 22:37). If kept, then our performances will, in turn, be fully consecrated for the lasting welfare of our souls (see 2 Ne. 32:9).
Such totality involves the submissive converging of feelings, thoughts, words, and deeds, the very opposite of estrangement: “For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart?” (Mosiah 5:13).
Many ignore consecration because it seems too abstract or too daunting. The conscientious among us, however, experience divine discontent because of progression mixed with procrastination. Hence, loving counsel is given with the confirmation of this direction, encouragement to continue the journey, and consolation as we experience individually the inherent degrees of difficulty.
Spiritual submissiveness is not accomplished in an instant, but by the incremental improvements and by the successive use of stepping-stones. Stepping-stones are meant to be taken one at a time anyway. Eventually our wills can be “swallowed up in the will of the Father” as we are “willing to submit … even as a child doth submit to his father” (see Mosiah 15:7;Mosiah 3:19). Otherwise, though striving, we will continue to feel the world’s prop wash and be partially diverted.
Illustrations involving economic consecration are relevant. When Ananias and Sapphira sold their possessions, they “kept back part of the price” (see Acts 5:1–11). So many of us cling tenaciously to a particular “part,” even treating our obsessions like possessions. Thus, whatever else we may have already given, the last portion is the hardest to yield. Granted, partial surrender is still commendable, but it resembles, more than faintly, the excuse, “I gave at the office” (see James 1:7–8).
We may, for instance, have a specific set of skills which we mistakenly come to think we somehow own. If we continue to cling to those more than to God, we are flinching in the face of the consecrating first commandment. Since God lends us “breath … from one moment to another,” hyperventilating over these distractions is not recommended! (Mosiah 2:21).
A stumbling block appears when we serve God generously with time and checkbooks but still withhold portions of our inner selves, signifying that we are not yet fully His!
Some have difficulty when particular tasks enter their sunset phase. John the Baptist is a model, however, saying of Jesus’ growing flock, “He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:30). Mistakenly regarding our present assignments as the only indicator of how much God loves us only adds to our reluctance to let go. Brothers and sisters, our individual worth is already divinely established as “great”; it does not fluctuate like the stock market.
Other stepping-stones remain unused because, like the rich, righteous young man, we are not yet willing to confront what we yet lack (see Mark 10:21). A residue of selfishness is thereby exposed.
Shrinking occurs in so many ways. The terrestrial kingdom, for example, will include the “honorable,” clearly not bearers of false witness. Yet they were still “not valiant in the testimony of Jesus” (D&C 76:75, 79). The best way to valiantly testify of Jesus is to become steadily more like Him, and it is that consecration that carves out the emulative character (see 3 Ne. 27:27).
In meeting these recited challenges, spiritual submissiveness is fortunately and helpfully adroit—sometimes helping us to “let go” of things, even mortal life, other times to “hold fast,” and still other times to use the next stepping-stone (see 1 Ne. 8:30).
But if we lack proportion, the next few yards can seem so formidable. Though aware of how God blessed ancient Israel to escape from mighty Pharaoh and his hosts, myopic Laman and Lemuel still lacked faith in God to help them with a mere local Laban.
We can also be deflected if we are too anxious to please those who are ascendant in our professional and avocational niches. Pleasing “other gods” instead of the real God still violates the first commandment (Ex. 20:3).
We sometimes even defend our idiosyncrasies, as if these protrusions somehow constituted our individuality. In a way, discipleship is a “contact sport,” as the Prophet Joseph testified:
“I am like a huge, rough stone … and the only polishing I get is when some corner gets rubbed off by coming in contact with something else, striking with accelerated force. … Thus I will become a smooth and polished shaft in the quiver of the Almighty” (Teachings of the ProphetJoseph Smith, sel. Joseph Fielding Smith [1976], 304).
Since knees often bend long before minds, holding back this “part” deprives God’s work of some of mankind’s very best intellects. Far better to be meek like Moses, who learned things he “never had supposed” (Moses 1:10). Yet, sadly, brothers and sisters, in the subtle interplay of agency and identity, there is so much hesitation. The surrender of the mind is actually a victory, because it then introduces us to God’s stretching and “higher” ways! (see Isa. 55:9).
Ironically, inordinate attention, even to good things, can diminish our devotion to God. For instance, one can be too caught up in sports and the forms of body worship we see among us. One can reverence nature and yet neglect nature’s God. One can have an exclusionary regard for good music and similarly with a worthy profession. In such circumstances, the “weightier matters” are often omitted (Matt. 23:23; see also 1 Cor. 2:16). Only the Highest One can fully guide us as to the highest good which you and I can do.
On the two great commandments, Jesus declared emphatically, everything else hangs, not vice versa (see Matt. 22:40). The first commandment is not suspended just because of our vigorous pursuit of a lesser good, for we do not worship a lesser god.
Before enjoying the harvests of righteous efforts, let us therefore first acknowledge God’s hand. Otherwise, the rationalizations appear, and they include, “My power and the might of mine hand hath gotten me this wealth” (Deut. 8:17). Or, we “vaunt” ourselves, as ancient Israel would have done (except for Gideon’s deliberately small army), by boasting that “mine own hand hath saved me” (Judg. 7:2). Touting our own “hand” makes it doubly hard to confess God’s hand in all things (see Alma 14:11;D&C 59:21).
At a place called Meribah, one of the greatest ever, Moses, was fatigued by people clamoring for water. Momentarily, Moses “spake unadvisedly,” saying, “Must we fetch you water?” (Ps. 106:33Num. 20:10; see alsoDeut. 4:21). The Lord mentored remarkable Moses through the pronoun problem and further magnified him. We would do well to be as meek as Moses (see Num. 12:3).
Jesus never, never, never lost His focus! Though He went about doing so very much good, He always knew that the Atonement awaited, pleading with perspective, “Father, save me from this hour: but for this cause came I unto this hour” (John 12:27; see also John 5:30John 6:38).
As you and I develop additional love, patience, and meekness, the more we have to give God and humanity. Moreover, no one else is placed exactly as we are in our opportune human orbits.
Granted, the stepping-stones take us into new territory which we may be very reluctant to explore. Hence, the successful users of the stepping-stones are powerful motivators for the rest of us. We usually pay more attention to those we quietly admire. The hungry prodigal son remembered the menus in his home, but he was also drawn by other memories, declaring, “I will arise and go to my father” (Luke 15:18).
In striving for ultimate submission, our wills constitute all we really have to give God anyway. The usual gifts and their derivatives we give to Him could be stamped justifiably “Return to Sender,” with a capital S. Even when God receives this one gift in return, the fully faithful will receive “all that [He] hath” (D&C 84:38). What an exchange rate!
Meanwhile, certain realities remain: God has given us our lives, our agency, our talents, and our opportunities; He has given us our possessions; He has given us our appointed mortal spans complete with the needed breaths (see D&C 64:32). Guided by such perspective, we will avoid serious errors of proportion. Some of these are far less amusing than would be hearing a double quartet and mistaking it for the Tabernacle Choir!
No wonder President Hinckley has stressed our being a covenant people, emphasizing the covenants of the sacramenttithing, and the temple, citing sacrifice as the “very essence of the Atonement” (Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley [1997], 147).
Breathtaking submissiveness was achieved by the Savior as He faced the anguish and agonies of the Atonement and “would that [He] might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink” (D&C 19:18). On our small, imperfect scale, we face tests and wish that these would somehow be taken away.
Consider this: What of Jesus’ ministry if He had performed additional miracles but without the transcending miracle of Gethsemane and Calvary? His other miracles brought blessed extensions of life and lessened suffering—for some. But how could these miracles possibly compare with the greatest miracle of the universal Resurrection? (see 1 Cor. 15:22). The multiplying of the loaves and fishes fed a hungry multitude. Even so, recipients were soon hungry again, while those who partake of the Bread of Life will never hunger again (see John 6:51, 58).
In pondering and pursuing consecration, understandably we tremble inwardly at what may be required. Yet the Lord has said consolingly, “My grace is sufficient for you” (D&C 17:8). Do we really believe Him? He has also promised to make weak things strong (see Ether 12:27). Are we really willing to submit to that process? Yet if we desire fulness, we cannot hold back part!
Having our wills increasingly swallowed up by the will of the Father actually means an enhanced individuality, stretched and more capable of receiving “all that [God] hath” (D&C 84:38). Besides, how could we be entrusted with His “all” until our wills are much more like His? Nor could His “all” be fully appreciated by the partially committed.
Frankly, it is our prospective selves we betray by holding back whatever the “part.” No need therefore to ask, “Lord, is it I?” (Matt. 26:22). Rather, let us inquire about our individual stumbling blocks, “Lord, is it this?” We may have known the answer for a long time and may need resolve more than His response.
The greatest happiness in God’s generous plan is finally reserved for those who are willing to stretch and to pay the costs of journeying to His regal realm. Brothers and sisters, “come, let us anew [this] journey pursue” (“Come, Let Us Anew,” Hymns, no. 217).
In the name of the Lord of the outstretched arm (see D&C 103:17; D&C 136:22), even Jesus Christ, amen. 

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Moving to Logan

I am moving to Logan.  This is a very strange turn of events for me, in the fact that it does not feel strange.  I was reflecting upon this drive that I have to move, and I cannot for the life of me explain how it all came about.  I cannot pin point the moment I knew I was supposed to move.  I can pin point the moment I knew I was moving to Logan, but the need to move in the first place was, I think, fluid.  It was a culmination of throwing many different options in to one pot, letting them simmer, and ending up in a stew that tasted very much like the closing of my chapter in Moscow, Idaho, and the beginning of a new chapter for me in Logan, Utah.  All of this, I have to say, is due to constant communication with my Heavenly Father (please excuse me always calling him My Heavenly Father. Though I am very attached to Him, and claim Him as my own, I am very much aware, and firmly believe that He is Your Heavenly Father as well).
Let me switch topics for just a moment, and hopefully this will make more sense.  I gave a talk in church this last Sunday.  I have given talks in church before, but this was the most nerve wracking one I have given so far.  It was in front of a much larger audience, and one of the General Authorities was there (a General Authority, is a leader who works very closely with the Prophet).  The topic I was to speak on was a scripture in 3 Nephi 12:48 which says, "Therefore I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect".  There is a similar scripture in Matthew 5:48 that says, "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect".  Upon first reading these scriptures, it is easy to get caught up in the word "perfect" and think it is an impossible task.  However, after doing some research, I came upon a talk that Elder Russell M. Nelson, an apostle of The Lord, gave in October 1995 called Perfection Pending. In this talk, he explains the word "perfect", when taken back to its original Greek, actually means to complete, to finish, or come to an end.  I recommend reading that talk, because he gives a much more fascinating explanation than I ever could, but from that talk I learned that The Savior hadn't reached "perfection" in the sense that these scriptures are referring to until He had finished His mission here on earth and was resurrected.  So, when He asks us in Matthew to be perfect like our Heavenly Father, and in 3 Nephi, like He and our Heavenly Father (because in 3 Nephi, He was speaking as the resurrected Savior), He is asking us to fulfill our missions.  We were each sent here to learn and to grow, both important things, but we were also sent here to do certain things, to complete a mission of our own.  He is asking us to be complete, and we cannot be complete unless to do what we were sent here to do.
So, how do we fulfill something we don't even remember agreeing to do?  We have to seek guidance from our Heavenly Father through the Holy Ghost.  We have to follow the promptings of the Spirit.  This is why I am moving to Logan.  I don't know exactly what is in store for me there, but I do know that it is important for me to be obedient to the promptings I receive, and that The Lord will prepare me in every needful thing to be able to accomplish the things He asks me to do.
I know that our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ, love me, and they love you, so very much.  I know that they are there for us, to help us in any circumstance, if we will open our hearts to them.  If you are struggling with a decision in your life, or just feel like you could use an extra person on your side, I would encourage you to open up your heart in prayer, and I know you will feel the love that our Heavenly Father has for you and you will be uplifted and supported by our Savior.
I would love to hear your stories or any feedback in the comments.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Why my relationships are all about me

    It sounds like a selfish statement, but let me explain.  When it comes down to it, really comes down to the bottom line, I’m the only person in this world that I can control.  Believe me, I’ve tried!  But I’m the only one that I can control, which means, I’m the only person whose salvation I can guarantee.  I’m the only person who’s standing with the lord I can have a say in.  Sure, the choices we make affect others and others act according to our own actions, but even in that moment, I cannot choose for that person what they should feel or what they should do, I can only choose what my next action is going to be.
    Let me explain a bit.  I came from a family who tired their hardest, but weren’t perfect (for the record, I have yet to meet a family that has reached perfection, just sayin’). Don’t get me wrong, my parents did the absolute best they could given what they had going on inside. But doing your best and giving all you can, at the time, still doesn’t make your kid exempt from having issues in the future.  Doing your best doesn’t magically wipe away any dysfunction that might exist, no matter how well intentioned you are. So my family wasn’t perfect, neither was I. 
When I came home off my mission, I was a changed woman, as most missionaries are, and struggled to re-adjust to the “real” life.  Now, maybe all missionaries go through this, but once again, this is all about me, so stay with me on this.  Returning from my mission, I felt enormous pressure for things, including myself, to go back to the way they were before my mission.  I had changed too much, and for my world to reach equilibrium, I was going to have to go back to who I used to be.  Who I used to be was the golden child, the peacemaker, and the clown.  Who I used to be was also extremely low in self-confidence, self-esteem, pretty ignorant to the global world, and very immature. 
My mission, I felt, was a pivotal point in my life.  I felt like I was finally figuring out who I really was.  I was learning how to hone natural skills I had been blessed with, and I was building great amounts of confidence. 
Coming home I felt like I was forced to choose between the two different versions of myself.  Looking at my life as a missionary, I felt much like Joseph Smith, the things I had learned couldn’t be unlearned.  I knew it, and I knew God knew that I knew it, and I could not deny it.  I couldn’t unlearn things and I couldn’t go back to who I was any more than you can force a square peg into a round hole. So, after much inner turmoil, and counseling, and prayer and fasting, I ended up cutting off all contact with my family. That’s about the time I moved up here to Moscow, Idaho. 
    For about five years, I had no contact with my family.  I struggled to overcome a lot of past, to be honest with myself about who I was, who my family were, and to be honest about my relationship with my Father in Heaven.  What I found out, was that The Lord had to tear down everything I thought about how things were “supposed” to work, and He had to re-teach me everything from the ground up.  I think it is C.S. Lewis that uses the parable of the mansion that is getting a remodel in comparison with our lives in The Lord’s hands.  I felt like a mansion that was not only getting remodeled, but also getting downsized to a shack. Turns out, I wasn’t as amazing as I thought I was.
    On the other hand I wasn’t as horrible as I thought I was either.  I found out that my family members were human.  I found out that my Father in Heaven wasn’t, that in fact, He was perfect.  And I found out, that ultimately, it is all about me. 
During it all, I wished that my loved-ones could see how badly I had been hurting trying to fit back into life after my mission.  I wished so badly that they could all see their potential and reach for it, as I had learned to do.  I wished that they could understand things from my perspective.  But I had/have no control over anyone, I only have control over me, and over what I am going to do in this moment.  I learned that staying where I was, wishing for all those things outside of me to change, was insanity and, actually, it would hold me back from my own growth. 
   Now, at this point, some of you might be wondering, “but what about your family?  How did they handle it?  How could you do that to them?”  Well, that’s what I’m trying to tell you, is that just as much as my relationships are all about me, so were each of my family member’s relationships with me, about them.  I’m SURE that it was painful, and there were a lot of hurt and angry feelings.  And they have every right to those feelings. I left them in the dust!  But here’s the thing, no matter what they were feeling, those were THEIR feelings, not mine.  I could not feel those feelings for them and I could not spare them those feelings.  Just like Heavenly Father couldn’t take the cup away from the Savior.  None of us can spare our family members from the pain that we cause them.  Now, I’m not trying to justify my actions by claiming to be anything like the Savior, nor am I saying we should go around hurting each other’s feelings because “that’s their problem”, but what I am saying, what I learned, is that I cannot lock myself up so tight, and not let myself feel, shine, or grow, with all my epic failures that come along with it just to spare someone else from feeling something that they don’t like feeling.  For me, that meant total separation from my family in order to sort myself out.  That’s rather drastic!  I don’t recommend it, if you can avoid it. But for me, it was absolutely necessary! 
Again, my point is this.   My relationships are about me.  I choose how I’m going to act in them, and that means making the choice of whether or not I am going to be acted upon.  It also means taking on extreme amounts of responsibility for your actions, and I learned quickly that the lens of kindness is the best one to look out of when determining what my choices are going to be. 
I chose to open my heart up to my Heavenly Father and start from scratch building a relationship with Him.  I chose to learn what healthy relationships are supposed to look like, and then I chose to start patterning my relationships after those healthy relationships.  I made the heartbreaking decision to cut off contact with my family, knowing that the only way I could be of any help to my family was to make myself healthy first.  And then I chose after five years, and with the help of my Heavenly Father, to finally forgive, put past perceived wrongs behind me and start building a relationship with my family again from scratch. 
I have no control over my family’s feelings or choices, which means in some cases that there may not be as much of a relationship as I would like, but I can still make the choice to love and support them in the ways that I can. 

So, when you think about it, it’s really quite glorious, because that means, that when one of my friends or family members makes a “mistake” (I put it in quotes, because 9 times out of 10 I’m the one who perceives it to be a mistake when it’s actually not) in the relationship department, I am the one that can choose to take that grief to my Heavenly Father and ask Him to help me understand it and overcome it, because, hey, they were just acting in their own self interest.  That provides me with a tremendous amount of freedom to choose to love my loved-ones, period.  I have the freedom to choose to forgive them.  I have the freedom to ask my Heavenly Father to help me with those things because I cannot do them on my own, but I have the freedom to ask.  It’s all about me.  That’s what I fought for in the pre-existence.  That’s what we fought for in the pre-existence.  The freedom to choose… for ourselves.