Small Bits of News

This last Saturday I was blessed to be able to go to Salt Lake City, Utah, to go to the General Women's Conference that kicks off the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Today, I bought a Honda Passport Scooter as my new form of transportation, at least for the summer.  I feel very blessed that Heavenly Father made and allowed this to happen.  I have been learning a lot of humility when it comes to the things I think I need, and the things I just really really want.  If you need further proof, just read my post about being entitled.

She needs a new name…any suggestions?

And finally, it's not news, but I had to show how brave these two were the other day as I left the door open for them to explore.

Brave but not quite brave enough…

Easter!

It is now a week until Easter and I am pretty excited about it.  Easter is usually a holiday that I overlook because I do not have kids to hide eggs from, and all I remember about it growing up is that when I was really little I got a new dress.  But this year, I hope to make it a little more special.  I have been looking for ways to create new traditions for myself to make things like this more special.  And, since this season is all about our Savior, and the fact that He descended below all things, and even gave up His own life, so that He could reclaim it and conquer death, I would like to share with you a video that talks about the hope His life brings to us today. #BecauseHeLives

What Am I Entitled to?

I think it is safe to say, that if you have a pulse and are an adult, you have more than likely had at least one conversation discussing how "entitled" kids today feel they are, and how it is such a shame that we all have to deal with their attitudes because of it.  It is a problem…but it has made me wonder what I think I am entitled to.  Kids don't just make things up.  They learn their behaviors somewhere, and as much as it may kill us to think they are learning these things from us adults…THEY ARE!  The same goes for bullying, but that is a whole other post for a day when I'm not in danger of writing about it and being a little too opinionated (aka sassy).

So, I have been thinking this week, what exactly am I entitled to?  What do I think I am entitled to that I am really not?  

I have this habit, maybe more of a knee-jerk-reaction, of "just stopping to get something to eat" when I am out and about, because it is just more convenient than driving all the way home and fixing something and then driving all the way back out to finish what I am doing.  Besides, I earned this money I am about to spend, so that means I can do whatever I want with it…right?  

Does anyone else spot the extreme justification going on in there?  Every word of it is justification.  The truth is, I have food at home that is better for me and it will not cost me anything extra.  The only thing it will cost me in the end is a little delayed gratification.  Do I have to eat something at that exact moment?  No, usually I am justifying the situation because the clock says it is noon, and I just happen to be a block away from a place to eat.  Is it going to kill me to wait until all my errands are done, to then go home and fix myself something to eat?  No.  Did you know that  "no" can be a complete sentence?  And, if I know I am going out, and it is going to take quite a bit of time, I am perfectly capable of taking something with me to eat along the way.  

As I have monitored my thoughts lately, I have found that a huge portion of them are justification.   It goes back to my last post.  How long can rolling waters remain impure?  Stagnate waters are breeding grounds for filth.  What is justification if not just another reason to not do the right thing?  Am I keeping my thoughts rolling in a healthy and righteous direction by praying constantly, singing or listening to  hymns or other uplifting music, memorizing and citing memorized scriptures, poems or other uplifting and virtuous things? Or am I letting my mind just be stagnate, listening to music that is not uplifting, or obsessing about how someone annoyed us, or spending hours on social media?  Our mind is a living thing.  If it is not busy living, it is busy dying.  

So, I guess back to the original question?  What am I entitled to?  As a child of God, I am entitled to…nothing but my own will.  Because of the laws of eternity, I can expect blessings when I act righteously, but consequences are not entitlements.  Besides that, The Lord blesses us just for living, and then on top of that, he blesses us when we do what is right, so we are always in debt to Him.  WE ARE ENTITLED TO NOTHING…but our will.  That is all we have.  That concept has really pestered me all week this week. 

My wonderful friends have been letting me use their truck as I have been down here, and the registration expires in 4 days.  I have been frantically looking for another mode of transportation thinking that I have to have something, and that I actually deserve something to get around in.  You simply cannot not have a vehicle here and survive.  Justification.  I am not, just by virtue of being a human being living in Logan, Utah, entitled to a vehicle to drive.  Yet, our society believes this lie so much, that we are willing to go into debt up to our ears to get the things we truly believe we are entitled to.  It just so happens that I have many options of transportation around here.  Cache Valley has a really great bus system here, and I have had more than one offer of bicycles to get me around.  Is it ideal? No. Is it going to take more effort on my part? Yes.  Am I entitled to anything more? Absolutely NOT!

How do we get our kids to stop being entitled spoiled little brats?  We stop justifying our own ridiculous actions and teach them that delayed gratification is not going to kill us, and in fact, it is a good thing a lot of the time.  We stop blaming everyone and everything else for our children's core beliefs and start looking at our own core beliefs.  We stop believing the old "do as I say not as I do" saying and start being accountable for our own actions as the best way to teach our children to be the amazing adults we would like them to become (once again that goes for bullying too).

So, what have you believed you are entitled to?  What do you do to keep your mind rolling in righteousness?  How has your example helped or hindered your children's attitudes?  I would love to hear your comments.  

How Long Can Rolling Waters Remain Impure?

This thought has been rolling through my mind a lot lately.  I am not a water expert, so I do not know the precise time it takes for a river to clean itself when it is contaminated, but I do know that it can.  If you think about it, the way that water is filtered is by running it through a bunch of stuff that you find naturally in rivers.  We can see this in the following picture. 

In Doctrine and Covenants 121:33, The Lord teaches us something about this. "How long can rolling waters remain impure?  What power shall stay the heavens?  As well might man stretch forth his puny arm to stop the Missouri River, or turn it upstream, as to hinder the Almighty from pouring down knowledge from heaven upon the heads of the Latter-day Saints."  If we think about our minds as rolling waters that are being the receptacles of knowledge from heaven, it would make sense that they need to be rolling rivers and not stagnant ponds, right?  

I was connecting this with a talk I was listening to by Elder Holland entitled The Tongue of Angels where he talked about the power of words.  He talked about how amazing things happened when The Lord, or any of his prophets, apostles, or disciples spoke very specific words.  This world, and the universe were created as The Lord spoke.  Prophets moved mountains, by the spoked word.  People were healed, and people were smote. 

I think we have all felt the affect of words in our day to day lives.  We have been crushed by words that have torn us down, and we have felt deep abiding love from words spoken to us by loved ones.  These words have power.  We have also all seen, sadly enough, the effects of bullying, how words can drive someone to do the unthinkable.   

I think it is quite obvious to most, that there is a lot of negativity out there in the world.  I have been noticing it particularly in posts that make their way around social media, and the majority of it is in click-bait ads.  A whole lot of judgment is thrown at a person, group, or idea, but what they will never do is give you the whole story, including the other side of the story.  The reason I bring all of this up, is because I have found it very easy to join in on the judging and the criticizing myself.  On occasion I have done it publicly, with a "like" or brief comment to add fuel to the fire, but most of the time, the argument is just in my head, but the damage is done non-the-less. 

The point is this; am I choosing to be a stagnant pond, were negative thoughts can sit and build upon themselves like bacteria, or am I choosing to be a rolling river, constantly renewing my thoughts with positive ones? I was thinking about this in context of being kind.  I know for myself, and many others I have talked to, sometimes it can be weird and awkward and scary to say something nice to someone.  There is so much opposition to doing it.  We think, "How are they going to react?"  "What are they going to think of me?"  "What if they think I am an idiot, or just walk away like I'm a creeper?"

Now let me ask you something else.  When was the last time you regretted complimenting someone?  When was the last time you regretted getting a compliment from someone?  When was the last time you became mortal enemies with someone just because they said something nice to you?  All of those reasons why you shouldn't, that go through your head are all the influence of the one person, Satan.  Remember how we talked earlier about how words have power?  He knows that, and he does not want you to have that kind of power for good in this world.  He knows that when you say one nice thing, it is going to be that much easier to say something nice a second time, and a third, and to become that rolling water, which when you become that, CANNOT be stopped from receiving knowledge from heaven.  Talk about power.  

So, my challenge to us all is to say that kind thing that pops into your head to that person it pops into your head about.  That kind thought is put there for a reason, to be acted on.  If it is in your head, it is sincere, so don't worry about trying to come up with something nice to say to some random person and force it.  However, if it is already in your head, why not say it?  See how they react.  I can say from personal experience, I have never had anyone say, "Leave me alone creep".  Most of the time, they are completely surprised, and excited that someone noticed them that day.  Most of the time they will say, "Thank you".  Now, if that happens, don't panic, just say, "You're welcome".  

I would love to hear about your experiences.  Let me know in the comments below.  Also by commenting it helps me to know you actually have a pulse:)

Weight and Learn

No, that is not a grammar error.  I wanted to share with you all something I have been learning about my whole life. 

From as early as I can remember, I knew I needed to lose weight.  I remember well meaning adults telling me that I would grow out of being fat, I remember not so well meaning kids asking me how tall I was…when I was laying down.  I remember growing up with this belief in my head that if I could lose the weight, things in life would be so much better, in fact, it would solve all problems…of…ever! As I became a teenager, I believed that if I could lose the weight, my chances were higher that I would be able to have a boyfriend, and that is what life is all about after all, isn't it?  As I officially became an adult, I believed, "Okay, now that I have TOTAL control over my life, this is going to be so much easier to lose weight, I'll meet a guy who looks exactly like Collin Ferrell, and I'll get married, and life will be smooth sailing from there".   The weird thing is, I did start to lose weight, without even trying, and then even more from trying, and then I went on a mission!  It was great!  I wasn't a size eight my any means, I wasn't even out of the double digits, and I still felt like a blimp, but I was the "smallest" I had ever been.  And people were noticing!  Some people were even jealous, and my parents were proud.  After I got home, however, I proceeded to put every single pound I had lost, back on.  

It was at this time I decided to make it a serious matter of prayer.  After all, how many times are we told in the scriptures, "Ask and ye shall receive", or "If you ask in faith with a sincere heart…", if it is a righteous desire, I should receive it…right?  For the last ten years, that prayer is one that is never far from my heart.  I am uncomfortable in my own skin.  I don't feel attractive, I don't even feel beautiful anymore.  I think I did for a little bit, until these last 40 lbs I put on ever since I started having back issues.  Anyway, the point is I have worked so hard, fought so hard, and continue to fight, even though so much of this seems to be a losing battle.  

Now, is where I insert some of the things I have learned along the way as I have so earnestly prayed, fasted, bargained, threw tantrums about, protested over, and pleaded with The Lord for Him to help me…to allow me to lose the weight.  Yep, that is right, I just said "allow" me to lose the weight.  But we will get back to that in a minute. 

First thing is first.  When I started praying for this righteous desire, Heavenly Father taught me that a major reason I was holding on to the weight was because of some emotional issues I was holding on to and not dealing with.  I'm not expert, but I think I can say for most anyone that deals with being overweight or obese, there are emotional issues there that are contributing to your weight.  If you did not know that already, or have not ever thought about that before, it is a great place to start.  Okay, so I started working on that, I started seeing a counselor. Check! 

Three years later, and nothing had changed…  Then one day, I felt like going to the library and as I was browsing through all the books, I found The Fat Girl's Guid to Life by and English author, Wendy Shanker.  This book rocked my world!!  In this book, she also referenced another British author Susie Orbach, and her book Fat is a Feminist Issue.  I devoured both of these books.  There is way too much information in them for me to share here, so I highly recommend reading them yourselves (also keeping in mind, I didn't necessarily believe EVERY thing they said, but that is Non-fiction for you).  However, a couple of things stood out to me.  I began to understand how culture shapes each of us individually, and how we all handle that shaping in our own ways.  For example, the world likes to tell us that as women, our worth is embedded in our sexuality, in our ability to be good mother's, and in our ability to adapt ourselves to this "man's world."  Many women handle that pressure differently, some embrace it, some fight against it, and some…avoid the debate altogether and put a physical barrier between themselves and these pressures.  I realized, myself, that I had a real issue with being seen as a sexual object, in that I knew I was so much more than that, and that was a major reason behind me putting on so much weight.  Subconsciously, it made sense that if I could put an cushion between me and men, I could avoid that problem, and if I could get them to see me for all of my other qualities, and like me for those reasons and not for my sexuality, then goal accomplished.  The truth is, even though I somewhat understand and comprehend this, it is still a major issue for me. 

Another concept that stood out to me, was the weight-loss industry and what a bunch of crap it is.  The thing that really stood out to me was when Wendy Shanker talked about specific weight-loss companies that we have all belonged to at one time or another…they are businesses…they are in this to make money, and if we lose weight, and keep it off…they are out of business!  I admit, I was in denial about this for a while…"but I did lose weight, it did work, I was the one who gave up…"  As hard as this was for me to swallow, when it comes right down to it, if you have to invest any kind of money on a program to help you lose weight, it's a load of crap, and a waste of your time, your emotion, and your money.  

One final thing that I will share that I gleaned from these books, was that by limiting myself from eating foods that all my life were "bad" for me, I was creating a destructive pattern for me.  I would limit myself, and then I would lose all will-power, and go binge on that thing I had restricted myself from.  What I did next took a leap of faith, but I decided to stop that behavior and to learn a new behavior by doing the exact opposite.  If I wanted something, I would go buy  a three month supply of it, so my subconscious would know that I was not going to run out of it.  I know, it sounds crazy to stock your freezer brim-full with ice cream, twinkles, and cupcakes, but that is exactly what I did.  I also went out and got a 24 pack each of my three favorite sodas.  The logic behind this for me was, that all my life I had been doing the same thing expecting different results.  That is insanity!  So, I stopped.  And you know, what?  I don't binge on that stuff anymore.  It was almost immediate.  I stopped feeling deprived.  That stuff started to lose its appeal.  I now hardly ever even crave it.  I crave sugar, for sure, but when I go to the store, or even think of going to the store to buy it, nothing sounds good, and I end up not getting anything and am just fine afterward.  Every food I grew up obsessing over and binge eating, has become unappetizing.  Oh! and, when I decided to take that leap of faith, I didn't gain an single pound. In fact, I lost about 30 lbs. at one point after I started doing that.

So, for the last ten years, I have been learning these things and implementing them into my life.  I did gain back those 30 lbs. and another 10 when issues with my back made me immobile, and I would over eat in order to feel some kind of control over my life, but that is another story.  The point is, I am still over-weight.  Ten years of pleading, and praying, and fasting, and throwing fits, and bargaining, and protesting, and this blessing was still not granted unto me.  Was I not worthy?  Was it not a righteous desire after all?  Did He want me to be miserable?

No. I was doing everything He asked me to do, and I had come so far.  I was a completely different person than when I started.  I am kinder, I have more compassion, I have a much stronger and closer relationship with The Lord.  I am less judgmental, in a big way!  The thing He has taught me lately is from Ether 12:27 

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their^aweakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them."

Did you notice the part where He say's "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble".  I have come to understand that when the Lord gives us things, it is because no amount of our own worldly power can acquire it on our own.  Contrary wise, if He gives it to us, He has to have the final say in it going away "then will I make weak things become strong unto them".  

I have to keep doing my part.  I have to keep working for it.  I have to continually humble myself, particularly about this thing, before Him.  I do not know when or if in this life I will ever be a “comfortable” weight for me.  I think I still have a lot of unhealthy attitudes toward myself and about being overweight, mostly about my self-worth, but I know this weakness has been absolutely essential to my growth in this life, and it will continue to be a part of my life until The Lord sees fit that it be gone.  That does not give me a license to give up.  It gives me incentive to press forward, with steadfast faith in Christ.

The Lord has taught me some other cool things about my weight, and why I still need it, but those are personal and sacred and if they are true for anyone else, then they are things that need to be sought out and learned by the Spirit.  Which, I guess is the whole reason I felt very strongly about writing about this subject.  I know so many amazing women, bright, intelligent, spiritual, amazing women, who are dealing with very similar things, and if this can be of any help at all, to anyone, men included, then it is worth laying a lot of myself open like this.  

Several posts before, I talked about extending challenges to you, my wonderful readers, and to myself.  My challenge this time, is to pray about this for yourself.  If you have ever struggled with weight issues, or if someone you love has ever struggled with weight issues, pray about it.  If you  are the one struggling, pray to find out what The Lord needs you to learn from this weakness, and then lay this burden at His feet.  If it is someone you love, pray to understand how you can be supportive and...understanding.  And, if you have thoughts, and would like to share them, please comment below.

Poisonous Dinner!

I don't know that I have ever posted anything about food before, but I just had the most amazing dinner and I had to share it with all of you.  If anyone is following me on Pinterest, you may have noticed I recently pinned a recipe for Jalapeño Popper Chicken.  I made that tonight, and it was glorious.  However, what really sent it over the edge was the Lemon-Chive Roasted Vegetables I made to go with it.  I have been craving vegetables like crazy lately and my favorite way to make them is to roast them at *400-*425 with olive oil, sea salt, and garlic 'til they are mostly caramelized.  I do this with any vegetable I roast.  Most recently it has been asparagus and green beans, yummmmmm.

Now, I feel I must disclose that I am not an exact measurer when it comes to cooking, sometimes not even when baking (I know that's so bad), but I have to say I have a %90 success rate in the kitchen so I don't worry too much.  This does make it quite difficult, however, for people who want recipes.  I'm telling you all this, because I tweaked these recipes a bit.  For the chicken, I used the recipe as a guideline.  I think I used all the same ingredients (maybe not exact amounts), except for the topping.  I did not have pork rinds, but I did have potato chips so I used those instead, and since the chips were full of fat and salt anyway, I didn't use any of the other ingredients for the topping.  This recipe was supposed to be low-carb, so I just totally ruined it, but I'm not worried about carbs.

The vegetables I used were yukon potatoes, sweet potatoes, carrots, onions, and cauliflower. And again, I didn't measure, I just filled up that jelly roll pan with as much as it could hold, and roasted away.  However, because it was more crowded, it didn't caramelize as much as I usually like it to.  I didn't measure with the lemon and chives either.  I used freeze dried chives, and one whole lemon.  The sweetness of the sweet potato is the thing that makes this whole ensemble sing…in your mouth…like an entire opera being performed in there!

The links to the recipes are at the top of this post if you are interested.  If you try either of these recipes, I would love to hear how they turned out.  Let me know in the comment section below!

"Blessed Are They That Mourn"

I'm so sorry for the long absence.  I know that it is death to a blog when you let it laps for that long, but hopefully you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. Things got hard, and when things get hard I tend to "run" and retract inside myself.  I'm sure that's pretty normal, but to my thinking, not healthy.  I'm working on that.

I guess it would be appropriate to update you on my situation.  I am in Logan.  Just before moving down here, I was able to go to my last Doctor's appointment in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho with my good friend Sheila, and afterward we went to the temple in Spokane, Washington (these events may have occurred the other way around, but that is not what is important here, focus).  It was a wonderful day spent with my friend, and also so full of emotion.  The fact that I was leaving this beautiful place full of so many friends who had become my family was starting to sink in and weigh heavily on my soul.  My time in Moscow had been a time of healing, and much growth.  I was able to feel safe and at peace for the first time in my life.  I felt safe in the arms of my Savior in Moscow.  Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all sunshine and roses in Moscow.  There were a lot of trials, and learning experiences, and some pretty dark times to go through, but it is the place that I learned to find peace admits the storm.

It was in the temple during this trip with Sheila, where The Lord told me "it is going to be hard," referring to my move down here to Logan.  I thought, "Hey, I've been through hard before.  Living two years with a broken back isn't exactly a piece of cake".  I just knew I could handle it, no matter what the trial.

Upon reflection of the events from then to now, I think this has been the most traumatic experience I have ever been through.  I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but I think I can honestly say that.  The drive down here was nothing short of a nightmare, made worse by the fact that I was all alone in a one-ton truck piled high with all of my earthly possessions and my poor terrified cats in the cab of the truck with me huddled under blankets for safety (the pet carrier I had ended up being too big and a safety hazard, so I had to ditch it).  There were times I wished I could just pull over to the side of the road and just quit.  Just give up.  It was too hard.

As I think about it, I don't think there has been a week that has gone by that I haven't had similar thoughts, figuratively of course.

Alas, I am here in Logan now, and at least my physical safety is no longer begin threatened. Only my emotional and spiritual sanity are being threatened.  I have been looking for a job for a steady two months now with no luck, and until about two weeks ago, I felt like the heaven's had sealed themselves closed and I was not receiving any guidance.

Now that you have a small glimpse into the trauma of this time in my life, let me share with you the things I have learned.

It is not a good idea to "run" when things get tough, and the heaven's only close when you stop listening to them and start leaning on your own understanding. I had built this move up in my mind to be much more like a Hollywood movie with a few slapstick moments of tension just to make the story good, but ultimately, things would end up perfect and life would be amazing.  However, when things started out with my life being in danger for 17 hours straight, I started to understand just how hard things were going to be.  That's not even counting the emotional trauma of leaving a place and people that I loved so dearly and did not want to let go of during the week of packing up my house prior to this drive from hell.  When I saw that this was the prelude to my time here in Logan, I thought, "Forget that," and I retreated inside myself, at times not even answering the phone when friends and loved ones would call to offer support and love.  It was a miserable decent into depression.  The thing that snapped me out of it was when a wonderful friend, in the most loving way you can possibly say this, told me I was being narcissistic, and that it was creating a cancer in out relationship.

She was absolutely right.  What an incredibly selfish thing to do!  As I looked further into this behavior of mine, I looked into places from which I could have learned it.  I talked to both of my parents because I noticed they do the same types of things when things get hard for them.  I prayed, I fasted, and I came to realize that I was turning my back on everything that could, and would get me out of the pain I was suppressing so skillfully.  I wasn't allowing myself to feel.  I wasn't acknowledging the pain and disappointment, and fear I was feeling.

The Savior said, "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted".  As I read that, and pondered it, I came to understand that it wasn't just a suggestion, but a commandment, if we are to be His disciples. Plus, what an amazing blessing, that every time we mourn, we will be comforted.  I wasn't doing this, therefore, I was not being comforted.  I was not allowing myself to feel my feelings, which is an extremely selfish thing to do.  The Gospel is not selfish.  If we do not allow the Savior to comfort us, we are not blessed.

As a result of my running and not allowing myself to be comforted, the heaven's closed.  There is no point in talking to someone who is not listening, and as much as I thought I was listening, I was not.  I was "listening" for things I wanted to hear, not what I needed to hear, not for truth and the things that would actually help me, I was listening for a voice that would magically make all the struggle and straining and hard times go away.  But, here is the thing, nothing grows without struggle, strain, and at times having a hard time of it.  A really good analogy my good friend told me (same one who told me I was being narcissistic, I know, she is amazing isn't she?), is that of a plant, any plant, in order to reach the sun and really begin to grow at exponential rates, it has to push through a hole lot of dirt, and it has to break through the soil at the very top.  Even then, it still has a little bit of soil on its head it has to shake off.

I think I may have broken through the top.  I have started listening to the Holy Spirit again, and not just selectively.  I am not perfect at it yet, by any means, but I am striving to listen and act on each promoting.  I am trying to be exactly obedient, and not lean on my own understanding.  Mostly I am mourning, and absolutely, I am being comforted.  I think I still have some soil to shake off, but I am no longer afraid of the dirt.