No, that is not a grammar error. I wanted to share with you all something I have been learning about my whole life.
From as early as I can remember, I knew I needed to lose weight. I remember well meaning adults telling me that I would grow out of being fat, I remember not so well meaning kids asking me how tall I was…when I was laying down. I remember growing up with this belief in my head that if I could lose the weight, things in life would be so much better, in fact, it would solve all problems…of…ever! As I became a teenager, I believed that if I could lose the weight, my chances were higher that I would be able to have a boyfriend, and that is what life is all about after all, isn't it? As I officially became an adult, I believed, "Okay, now that I have TOTAL control over my life, this is going to be so much easier to lose weight, I'll meet a guy who looks exactly like Collin Ferrell, and I'll get married, and life will be smooth sailing from there". The weird thing is, I did start to lose weight, without even trying, and then even more from trying, and then I went on a mission! It was great! I wasn't a size eight my any means, I wasn't even out of the double digits, and I still felt like a blimp, but I was the "smallest" I had ever been. And people were noticing! Some people were even jealous, and my parents were proud. After I got home, however, I proceeded to put every single pound I had lost, back on.
It was at this time I decided to make it a serious matter of prayer. After all, how many times are we told in the scriptures, "Ask and ye shall receive", or "If you ask in faith with a sincere heart…", if it is a righteous desire, I should receive it…right? For the last ten years, that prayer is one that is never far from my heart. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't feel attractive, I don't even feel beautiful anymore. I think I did for a little bit, until these last 40 lbs I put on ever since I started having back issues. Anyway, the point is I have worked so hard, fought so hard, and continue to fight, even though so much of this seems to be a losing battle.
Now, is where I insert some of the things I have learned along the way as I have so earnestly prayed, fasted, bargained, threw tantrums about, protested over, and pleaded with The Lord for Him to help me…to allow me to lose the weight. Yep, that is right, I just said "allow" me to lose the weight. But we will get back to that in a minute.
First thing is first. When I started praying for this righteous desire, Heavenly Father taught me that a major reason I was holding on to the weight was because of some emotional issues I was holding on to and not dealing with. I'm not expert, but I think I can say for most anyone that deals with being overweight or obese, there are emotional issues there that are contributing to your weight. If you did not know that already, or have not ever thought about that before, it is a great place to start. Okay, so I started working on that, I started seeing a counselor. Check!
Three years later, and nothing had changed… Then one day, I felt like going to the library and as I was browsing through all the books, I found The Fat Girl's Guid to Life by and English author, Wendy Shanker. This book rocked my world!! In this book, she also referenced another British author Susie Orbach, and her book Fat is a Feminist Issue. I devoured both of these books. There is way too much information in them for me to share here, so I highly recommend reading them yourselves (also keeping in mind, I didn't necessarily believe EVERY thing they said, but that is Non-fiction for you). However, a couple of things stood out to me. I began to understand how culture shapes each of us individually, and how we all handle that shaping in our own ways. For example, the world likes to tell us that as women, our worth is embedded in our sexuality, in our ability to be good mother's, and in our ability to adapt ourselves to this "man's world." Many women handle that pressure differently, some embrace it, some fight against it, and some…avoid the debate altogether and put a physical barrier between themselves and these pressures. I realized, myself, that I had a real issue with being seen as a sexual object, in that I knew I was so much more than that, and that was a major reason behind me putting on so much weight. Subconsciously, it made sense that if I could put an cushion between me and men, I could avoid that problem, and if I could get them to see me for all of my other qualities, and like me for those reasons and not for my sexuality, then goal accomplished. The truth is, even though I somewhat understand and comprehend this, it is still a major issue for me.
Another concept that stood out to me, was the weight-loss industry and what a bunch of crap it is. The thing that really stood out to me was when Wendy Shanker talked about specific weight-loss companies that we have all belonged to at one time or another…they are businesses…they are in this to make money, and if we lose weight, and keep it off…they are out of business! I admit, I was in denial about this for a while…"but I did lose weight, it did work, I was the one who gave up…" As hard as this was for me to swallow, when it comes right down to it, if you have to invest any kind of money on a program to help you lose weight, it's a load of crap, and a waste of your time, your emotion, and your money.
One final thing that I will share that I gleaned from these books, was that by limiting myself from eating foods that all my life were "bad" for me, I was creating a destructive pattern for me. I would limit myself, and then I would lose all will-power, and go binge on that thing I had restricted myself from. What I did next took a leap of faith, but I decided to stop that behavior and to learn a new behavior by doing the exact opposite. If I wanted something, I would go buy a three month supply of it, so my subconscious would know that I was not going to run out of it. I know, it sounds crazy to stock your freezer brim-full with ice cream, twinkles, and cupcakes, but that is exactly what I did. I also went out and got a 24 pack each of my three favorite sodas. The logic behind this for me was, that all my life I had been doing the same thing expecting different results. That is insanity! So, I stopped. And you know, what? I don't binge on that stuff anymore. It was almost immediate. I stopped feeling deprived. That stuff started to lose its appeal. I now hardly ever even crave it. I crave sugar, for sure, but when I go to the store, or even think of going to the store to buy it, nothing sounds good, and I end up not getting anything and am just fine afterward. Every food I grew up obsessing over and binge eating, has become unappetizing. Oh! and, when I decided to take that leap of faith, I didn't gain an single pound. In fact, I lost about 30 lbs. at one point after I started doing that.
So, for the last ten years, I have been learning these things and implementing them into my life. I did gain back those 30 lbs. and another 10 when issues with my back made me immobile, and I would over eat in order to feel some kind of control over my life, but that is another story. The point is, I am still over-weight. Ten years of pleading, and praying, and fasting, and throwing fits, and bargaining, and protesting, and this blessing was still not granted unto me. Was I not worthy? Was it not a righteous desire after all? Did He want me to be miserable?
No. I was doing everything He asked me to do, and I had come so far. I was a completely different person than when I started. I am kinder, I have more compassion, I have a much stronger and closer relationship with The Lord. I am less judgmental, in a big way! The thing He has taught me lately is from Ether 12:27
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them theiraweakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men thatdhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make eweak things become strong unto them."
Did you notice the part where He say's "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble". I have come to understand that when the Lord gives us things, it is because no amount of our own worldly power can acquire it on our own. Contrary wise, if He gives it to us, He has to have the final say in it going away "then will I make weak things become strong unto them".
I have to keep doing my part. I have to keep working for it. I have to continually humble myself, particularly about this thing, before Him. I do not know when or if in this life I will ever be a “comfortable” weight for me. I think I still have a lot of unhealthy attitudes toward myself and about being overweight, mostly about my self-worth, but I know this weakness has been absolutely essential to my growth in this life, and it will continue to be a part of my life until The Lord sees fit that it be gone. That does not give me a license to give up. It gives me incentive to press forward, with steadfast faith in Christ.
The Lord has taught me some other cool things about my weight, and why I still need it, but those are personal and sacred and if they are true for anyone else, then they are things that need to be sought out and learned by the Spirit. Which, I guess is the whole reason I felt very strongly about writing about this subject. I know so many amazing women, bright, intelligent, spiritual, amazing women, who are dealing with very similar things, and if this can be of any help at all, to anyone, men included, then it is worth laying a lot of myself open like this.
Several posts before, I talked about extending challenges to you, my wonderful readers, and to myself. My challenge this time, is to pray about this for yourself. If you have ever struggled with weight issues, or if someone you love has ever struggled with weight issues, pray about it. If you are the one struggling, pray to find out what The Lord needs you to learn from this weakness, and then lay this burden at His feet. If it is someone you love, pray to understand how you can be supportive and...understanding. And, if you have thoughts, and would like to share them, please comment below.
No comments:
Post a Comment