How do we pray for others, keeping their agency in mind?

This is a topic I have been thinking a lot about lately.  I live quite a distance from my family, so there is very little I can physically do for them.  So, I pray for them.  In general, I pray for their safety, and happiness, but that is very broad and sometimes we need more specific help.
When I got home from my mission, I met a friend, we'll call her Alice, who was not a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and the circumstances in her life were such that I thought sharing the Gospel with her would be helpful in her life.  The problem was that she already had a church that she went to and she had no interest in what I had to share with her.  I was never pushy about it.  When the topic of beliefs came up, I was very honest with her, but I never tried to "sell" her anything.  However, I always felt uneasy about the situation.  I could see big gaps of sadness and misunderstanding that could be filled with the glory of the Gospel, but I could also see a lot of fear in searching any other religion than the one she was raised in for answers.

I decided to talk the situation over with another good friend, we'll call her Karen, who is a member of my church and who could understand where I was coming from.  I hadn't counted on Karen understanding where Alice was coming from just as well as she understood me.  She was able to lend me insight to the fact that what I wanted for Alice was not what she wanted for herself.  With some explanation of difference in doctrine, she helped me to see that what I thought was a common point between Alice and myself, was actually worlds apart.  What I thought she wanted, she actually didn't want.  I thought she wanted Disney Land, but she knew the county fair, and she was happy with the county fair and didn't want Disney Land at all.  I thought, well, of course she would want Disney Land, because it's bigger and better than the county fair.  True, it costs more, but it is worth the cost, so of course.  I learned from this experience that sometimes for some people the cost is too high and not worth it when you already have something that works perfectly well right in front of you. 

Now, for a different story, I had another friend who's family were all church goers all her life.  She had a big brother that she looked up to whom everyone thought could do no wrong.  He went away to college, and things went down hill for him.  He made some choices that took him away from being an active member of the church, and he remained inactive for many years.  This friend of mine prayed for her brother all the time, and later she confided in me that every month, when she would fast, she would fast for him that he would come back to the Gospel.  That seemed a fairly reasonable and noble thing to do, however, I felt a little uneasy about the situation.  There was something there that I didn't understand that The Lord taught me…well, just recently. 

Here is the lesson: agency.  In the cases of both stories, how do you pray for someone, keeping their agency in mind?  Heavenly Father cannot take away our agency, and cannot act contrary to our agency.  He cannot bless us with a blessing we don't want.  That is why prayer is so important. It is important in our prayers to ask Him for blessings, so that He can actually give them to us.  There are so many blessings He has waiting for us.  We need to ask for these blessings and qualify for them, but He cannot give them to us, even if we qualify for them, if we don't ask for them.  If we do qualify for them and don't ask for them, it is like saving money for years with the intent to buy a car, and then never talking to the dealer.  Sometimes, someone can asks for blessings on our behalf, but we have to want them and qualify for them.  

As I thought about my friend praying and fasting for her older brother, I thought, what if he doesn't want what you're praying for?  What if he is quite happy where he is, and isn't interested in returning to church, ever?  That would be a sad thought indeed, but what if it is true nonetheless? 

Please understand, I am not saying we shouldn't pray for others, and I'm not saying we should not pray on behalf of someone else just in case they don't want what we're praying for.  What I am saying, is maybe we can pray smarter.  What if, instead of just asking for her brother to come back to the church, my friend also prayed that the righteous desires of her brother's heart would be met?  Her added faith to a cause that he desires, that is righteous, could work miracles.  If he's not going to church himself, it might not be much of a stretch to think that he's not praying as regularly.  Maybe he is, and if so, great, she can still add her faith to his on his behalf.   If he is not praying, however, and if he has righteous desires, her asking for them on his behalf, is something that could be helpful.
What if she were to pray that someone would come into her brother's life that would be a good influence on him?  What if I were to pray that Alice would be able to strengthen her relationship with her Savior?  It's something I could honestly say she wanted, and it is something that would enrich her life and help her immensely.  What if we took some time to really think about what that person wants, and what we want for them (happiness), and figure out how we can help them reach their happiness (in righteousness), not ours.  

I think a lot of times agency is something we associate with choice, and choice alone.  I have come to understand that along with choice, agency has to do with desire.  We are not going to make choices contrary to our desire.  We may have a desire to lose weight, but if our desire to eat fast food is stronger than our desire to lose weight, we will make decisions accordingly.  The really cool thing, is that Heavenly Father can do a lot with our desires.  Even if our desire starts out as just a small desire.  Even if we don't quite have a desire for a certain thing yet, but we have a desire to have that desire. He can work with that.  We have to ask for that help though.  Many times, I have prayed and asked Heavenly Father to help my desire in doing x, or to quit doing y, to increase, and He has done it.  Many times, I have seen something I needed to change in myself, but I liked doing it too much, and I had to ask Him to help me develop the desire to want to change.

So, here's the point, how do we pray for someone, keeping their agency in mind? We keep their desires in mind, and if we are unsure of their desires, we pray for their righteous desires to be met.  We pray for Heavenly Father to bless them with blessings He sees fit for them to have at this time.  After all, He knows them better than we do, and He knows their situation, and their needs.  We pray smart, and we pray for them and not for what we want for them.

Questions? Comments? Profound statements? Let me know below.

50 New Things About Me

Looking back through my old posts, I realized it has been a while since I posted the first 100 things about me and since that time, I have changed a bit.  Here are 50 new things about me. Enjoy…

1. I play the piano.
2. I play the guitar.
3. I am a bit of a food snob.
4. I believe that if you don't use at least 1 lb. of butter when you are cooking Thanks Giving dinner, you are doing it wrong!
5. I love drinking water, but only if it is ice cold.
6. I have two cats, brother and sister, named Archimedes and Tigerlily.
7. One of my life's ambitions is to visit as many LDS temples as I possibly can.
8. I am the third great-granddaughter of Cheng Bunker, one of the original "Siamese twins".
9. I am an artist.
10. I love art history.
11. I love all history.
12. I love teaching.
13. I currently don't have a car, and get around by bus, walking, or rides.
14. The next time I move, my goal is to move to the beach.
15. I talk to my cats as if they can understand me…cause they can!
16. I have a couple steel plates holding my lower back together.
17. I have all the gear to be a roller derby rock star.
18. I was actually in roller derby until issues with my back no longer allowed me to continue.
19. I have started to get the hang of gardening, and so far the plant I get along with most is the tomato plant. Yumm!!
20. I love cooking with fresh ingredients, and will only cook with something out of a can if it is necessary.
21. I don't really like cooking a meal with a crockpot.  Again, food snob.
22. I love reading.
23. I actually like reading cookbooks.  I could be entertained with a new cookbook for hours.
24. I very strongly loath the Twilight series. If you need a reason, comment below, and I would be happy to fill you in on my opinion.
25. I have no problem (generally) trying new and even weird food.  After eating pig rectum, everything else seems pretty tame.
26. I ate pig rectum in Taiwan as, get this, an appetizer!  I also ate pig ear (with the hair still attached), skin, stomach, and many other weird body parts along with tofu that smelled and tasted like death.
27. My favorite fruit is guava.
28. I am the youngest of four children.
29. I have a horrible poker face when it comes to hiding how I feel about someone.  I'm working on it.
30. I am a Harry Potter nerd, and I'm not afraid of anyone knowing it.
31. I am an Anglophile, and not afraid of anyone knowing it.
32. One of my favorite tv series is The Vicar of Dibley.
33. I am a Whovian
34. I think Marcel Duchamp (the guy with the urinal) is one of the greatest artists of all time.
35. I believe that art should not be easy to understand.  It should make you think really hard and reach for understanding, otherwise, it is adding to the pile of garbage that makes you brain dead.
36. One of my favorite things in the world is getting to know someone, and leaving them better than I found them.  Anything I can do or say to make them feel better about themselves, is one of the greatest feelings ever.
37. I believe that everyone is creative…they just don't know it yet.
38. As a result of #37, it drives my nuts when people say they are "not the creative type". There is no "type".
39. Following this theme, another one of my favorite things is to do is to create.
40. I have quite a bit of art work around my house that is absolute crap, but it has sentimental value, so I haven't thrown it away…yet.
41. All of the art work hanging on my walls in my home (besides two large pictures of the temple) was done by me.
42. The first time I heard the story of Joseph Smith seeing Heavenly Father and the Savior Jesus Christ was some time between birth and kindergarten, and the second I heard that story, I knew it was true.  That belief has stuck with me ever since and is as strong today as it was back then.
43. In my lifetime, there have been three movies that I watched so much that I had the whole movie memorized: The Lion King, Newsies, and Pirates of the Caribbean.
44.  I secretly want to swim with sharks.  Sure, swimming with dolphins would be cool, but swimming with sharks, though admittedly unnerving, would be amazing also.
45. Unrelated to #44, I think being eaten by a shark would be one of the coolest ways to die.  Apart from being horrifyingly scared whilst being eaten by a shark, I have to think that there would be a part of me that would be thinking, "I'm being taken down by one of, if not the top predator in the world."
46. This may sound weird to real fish enthusiasts, but my favorite fish to eat is a nice rainbow trout.  Now, it has to be caught in the right conditions.  In a nice clear river or in a clean lake is best.  If it is caught in a muddy, swampy, I-dont't-think-so lake, then it's going to taste like the mud it came from.
47. Even as a kid, I never liked the taste of Spaghetti O's.
48. I never tasted brussel sprouts as a kid, and so, I just figured I didn't like them because all kids are supposed to hate brussel sprouts.  It turns out that I love them!
49. I very much believe that average people talk about people, smart people talk about things, and wise people talk about ideas.
50. I truly believe that forgiveness is not a gift we give others by forgiving them, but that it is a gift we give ourselves as we let go of the hurt and anger and let God fill that whole with his love and forgiveness for us.

Do any of these surprise you?  Let me know by commenting!

My Mile Deep Inch Wide River

In 2004 in KaoHsiung, Taiwan, Elder Dallin H. Oaks and his wife came to our mission to speak to us.  Elder Oaks had many great things to say that helped me on my mission, but the one thing that really stuck out to me was in Sister Oaks' talk.  She described to us a river that was a mile wide, but only an inch deep.  She compared that river to the knowledge we can attain in this life.  She encouraged us to seek out something in our lives we could gained greater understanding about and make it our personal river.  However, instead of it being a mile wide and an inch deep, our river was to be and inch wide and a mile deep.  Basically, she told us to stand for something.  For example, if I had a really strong understanding and testimony of keeping the Sabbath Day holy, or paying tithing, or serving others, then I would make my knowledge and understanding in that thing so deep and strong that nothing could shake me from that belief.
Over the years, I have thought about that concept a lot, and wondered what my mile deep river was going to be. About 3 years ago, I finally figured out what it was.  My inch-wide-mile-deep-river is my belief and understanding that God is our loving Heavenly Father, and that He wants to have a relationship with us just as much…no, more than, our earthly parents.  I say more, because our Heavenly Father is perfect, and our earthly parents are not, bless them. Those times when we, as children, act imperfectly, He still loves us perfectly. Our earthly parents, however, might struggle with how to deal with us during those times.
Let me explain a bit more.  I believe that we are all literally children of God.  I am his daughter, you are his son, or daughter, in a very real way.  He created us, and we lived with Him for a long time as spirits before we came here to earth.  We learned a lot of things from Him. We walked and talked with Him, and we wanted so badly to grow up to be like Him.  The problem was, that He had a perfected body, and we were still only a spirit.  He created a plan for us to come to this earth to get a body, and learn things you can only learn in a body.  He also made it so we couldn't remember our life with Him before, so that we could learn and grow.  In this body, that by nature only wants to eat drink and be merry, we learn how to call on Him for help and ask Him to teach us things so that we could master this inherently selfish body and become more like our perfect Father in Heaven.
Now, I grew up a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but during my childhood and teenage years, I very rarely prayed.  Prayer was something that was very hard for me to get a grip on.  It wasn't until…hmm…now that I think of it, I think it wasn't until my mission that I learned to pray regularly.  Until then, I would pray only when I really needed (wanted is more like it) something really bad.  I was selfish, if I'm honest.  But Heavenly Father was patient with me, and knew I had a lot to learn.  It wasn't until after my mission, when life seemed to get really hard, that I  felt like my prayers had meaning, and I was "connecting with someone" on the other end.  That's when I decided to take a very very honest look at my life.
I learned that honesty was the first step in getting my life on a path that would lead me back to my Heavenly Father.  I had to be honest about where I was in my life, and at that point,  I was directionless, and held back by some things in my past.  The only thing I knew for sure I wanted in my life was to stay close to my Heavenly Father (I had seen a lot of the opposite in my life and wanted no part of that). I had to be honest about what my relationship was with my Heavenly Father. At that point, it was not great.  I didn't trust Him, I didn't know Him, and I didn't feel like He really loved me, but I did know that He was real…well, I guess I should say, I had a very strong hope and belief that He was real.
Once I was done opening up all these cans of honesty, it was time to do something about it.  So I opened my heart to my Heavenly Father and I laid it all out on the line.  I told Him how I felt, what I believed, what I was struggling with, I even told Him that I didn't trust him.  This was breaking form for me from all the prayers of my youth, where you say what you are thankful for, then you ask for what you need, and end it in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ…a great way to start, but for me at that point, it had gotten very soulless.  This time, I talked to God like he was a physical person sitting right beside me listening to every word I said.  It felt strange…because it didn't feel strange.  It felt good.  I felt like I was being heard, and I felt loved.
That was the first step on this journey I had embarked on, to build a relationship with my Heavenly Father.  Since then, I have come to understand Him as a parent.  I have come to understand what a perfect parenting relationship with an imperfect child looks like.  I have felt loved by Him as often as I would  let that love in to my heart.  I have been taught by Him so many things that have helped my life improve daily.  I have gained a friend and father that I can share all of my troubles with and receive love and guidance.
So, this is my inch-wide-mile-deep-river, I know that God is real.  I know that He loves each of us without prejudice.  I know that as His daughter, I have the potential to grow up to be like Him if I will stay close to Him.  I know that He is perfect.  And I love Him with all of my heart.

How to Bear One Another's Burden

 While I am not a mother, I have been in several positions of leadership in my life, where the emotional and spiritual, if not physical, welfare of others has been under my stewardship.  During these times, I have learned a lesson over and over again that has recently helped me to understand this concept of "bearing one another's burdens" on a deeper level.  It is a concept that I learned from Gandhi, actually.  The story is told in many different versions from many different sources, so let my paraphrase it here for you.  
The story goes, that a mother brought her son to Gandhi so that he would use his wonderful influence to make the boy stop eating sugar.  Gandhi told the woman he would, but that she would have to come back in a week.  The mother left, very upset that he didn't just tell her son on the spot to not eat sugar, but came back in a week as Gandhi desired.  When she brought her son before Gandhi, he knelt down before the little boy, and said to him, "My child, please stop eating sugar. It is unhealthy for you."
The mother was again upset, and asked, "Why did it take you a whole week to tell him this?"
Gandhi looked at the mother and said, "I was still eating sugar myself last week."
Over the years, I have had many opportunities to talk with mother's who are struggling with a child who is…struggling.  A mother worries over the fact that her daughter doesn't want to go to church and doesn't understand the point of it.  Another mother is dealing with a son who has major control issues, and thinks his parents rules are confining and stupid.  While yet another mother couldn't understand why her daughter was so irresponsible and lacked motivation.  My advice to them has always lead my back to this story of Gandhi and this idea of leading by example.  However, to say it is just that simple, is neither true, nor helpful. It is more complex than that.
I served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints almost 10 years ago.  As a missionary, it was my job to teach people about the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ, and invite them to come unto Christ.  As I did this, the people I would come across had many different challenges and I had to figure out how to understand those challenges, and how to help those people overcome them.  The most effective way for me to do that, was to find the "root" of their problem, and work on overcoming that "problem" inside myself.  
For example, there was an amazing woman we met in Tainan, Taiwan.  She had a drink truck that sold all sorts of cold teas and drinks to passersby on a hot day.  Her problem was that in order to make ends meet, their family ran their drink truck seven days a week just to make ends meet.  She had a problem closing down the drink truck on Sunday to come to church.  So, I made that my problem, and I studied everything I could about it.  I pondered why Sunday was the Sabbath, why it was so important, and how I could make my Sabbath worship more meaningful.  I set goals on how to accomplish it, and I worked on those goals as we continued to teach her.  A couple of weeks later, I was able to share with her my experiences and how The Lord had blessed me for making these changes.  That week, she was able to come to church, something her drink truck business had not allowed her to do in the past. She was able to feel the Spirit, and was blessed to feel the love of The Lord, and learn for herself the importance of keeping the Sabbath day holy. 
More than the fact that I had seen things from her point of view was the fact that I had taken on her burden.  This concept takes the old adage "do as I say, not as I do," and kicks it to the curb.  If you want people to follow, then you lead by example, yes, however, if you want to help them to overcome hard things, you have to lift the burden with them. I had a new realization about this concept this week as I thought about loved ones in my life, and how I can be more a part of their life.  I had a prompting to ask each of them what they would have me include in my prayers for them.  Praying for people is well and lovely, but sometimes can be tricky if you don't want to overstep your bounds and encroach on their agency.  However, to pray for something that person feels very passionately about, or that is something they've  been praying about for a while that a could use a little extra faith, is a very powerful thing.  If you're struggling with a life decision, or struggling with a trial, and I can add my faith to yours, is that something you would say no to? Not only am I able to add my faith to a cause you feel strongly about, but in a very real sense I am bearing your burden with you, which makes that burden lighter.  If your child is struggling with self-esteem issues, and you make that problem your own, you study it, you set a goal, and you work on greater self-esteem yourself, you are better equipping yourself to cope with the issues your child might bring to you.  You are bearing their burden, by making their burden yours and showing them that they matter, because you're taking the time to understand their pain and struggle. If your spouse is having  hard time understanding your side of things, and having a hard time showing love to you as you need it, then take the time to study their side of things.  Take the time to understand how they need to be loved. Pray for more love and understanding for them. Bear their burden.  Make it light.  They will come to understand their problems in a whole new light, because they won't have to deal with those problems alone.
I think my point is made by now, I just want to emphasis this one last portion with an example from the Savior.  He said, "take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly of heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light". -Matthew 11:29-30
Ever since my mission, I have come to understand the power that comes from inviting someone (which always includes myself) to change.  That invitation to change is always related to the concept we have just studied. So, I would like to offer a challenge here, and it may become a regular part of this blog…who knows.
I would challenge all of us, to ponder on the above scripture for a moment, and prayerfully consider what it means to take His yoke upon us.  Then, for the next week, pray for and look for the opportunities to do that, to take His yoke upon you.  I would love to hear what you learn along the way and how this challenge goes for you, so please leave a comment!

Heeding Apostolic Counsel

…adding my few droops to the flood.

I was walking the local high school track this morning, trying to beat my 5k personal best with my best friend Meredith, when our conversation turned to the talk that Elder Bednar gave at BYU on social media.  That was the moment that a few things in my life that I had been feeling and prompted to do came to light for me.  Both Meredith and I have been reading a blog by a man named John Pontius, who has now passed away, but before he did, he shared some of his amazing life events and his testimony of the Savior Jesus Christ. John's wife Terry had taken over the blog and continued to post stories and testimonies of people who had read the blog and wanted to share their own stories, all in a community of sharing and lifting one another's souls.  Terry shared this talk by Elder Bednar and encouraged everyone to start their own blog as part of the "flooding of the earth" with the Gospel.  

Now, I have not lived as full and incredible life as John has, not even close! However, I have faith that the Lord will guide me as I share some of my own experiences, and that someone out there in the whole wide world will be uplifted by something I say eventually.  

Let me first do a little catch-up on my life as it is currently situated:

It's actually pretty funny that my last post ended with me hoping that it wouldn't take another broken bone to teach me new things and take me to new places in my life…cause that's exactly what happened!  I was in school for two years, and it was great, but the whole time, I had some major issues with my back.  I saw every health care professional I could find, I paid more attention to every inch of my body than I even knew was humanly possible, I consumed about six large bottles of ibuprofen (over a two year period)  as well as multiple different vitamins and supplements along with the application of many different varieties and blends of essential oils.  I prayed, pleaded, bargained, and threw many fits with The Lord to make the pain stop or go away, or at least  help me figure out what it was so that I could make it go away.  Nobody could tell me what it was, and the pain was only ever dulled but never completely gone.  Finally, in January, the chiropractor I had been seeing suggested I go get and x-ray.  He had done all he could think to do, and had a feeling that the problem was more serious than what he could take care of. The results came back that I had a grade 2 spondylolisthesis, or in layman's terms, my back was broken.  Well, to be honest, the last vertebrate was fractured and had slipped forward two centimeters, and that vertebrate was rubbing against the surrounding bones with every movement I made that required any of my core strength. 

To make a long story short (I'm sure I will expand on the rest of the story in due time), I got back surgery on July 7th and feel so much better!  It's amazing to feel this well after two years of constant pain.  Of course, I'm still recovering, and will be until January, but almost immediately after surgery, I felt 100% better.  I have learned many amazing things, witnessed incredible miracles, and feel much closer to my Heavenly Father because of this experience and I can honestly say I wouldn't change a thing.  I would go through it again if I had to, because it was worth it!

So, for now, I'm putting school on hold, I'm putting work on hold, and I am focusing on healing.  I'm able to spend some quality time with friends, devote more time to calling, and chill with my two adorable cats Tigerlily, and Archimedes.  And, of course, I have more time to devote to blogging:)