Weight and Learn

No, that is not a grammar error.  I wanted to share with you all something I have been learning about my whole life. 

From as early as I can remember, I knew I needed to lose weight.  I remember well meaning adults telling me that I would grow out of being fat, I remember not so well meaning kids asking me how tall I was…when I was laying down.  I remember growing up with this belief in my head that if I could lose the weight, things in life would be so much better, in fact, it would solve all problems…of…ever! As I became a teenager, I believed that if I could lose the weight, my chances were higher that I would be able to have a boyfriend, and that is what life is all about after all, isn't it?  As I officially became an adult, I believed, "Okay, now that I have TOTAL control over my life, this is going to be so much easier to lose weight, I'll meet a guy who looks exactly like Collin Ferrell, and I'll get married, and life will be smooth sailing from there".   The weird thing is, I did start to lose weight, without even trying, and then even more from trying, and then I went on a mission!  It was great!  I wasn't a size eight my any means, I wasn't even out of the double digits, and I still felt like a blimp, but I was the "smallest" I had ever been.  And people were noticing!  Some people were even jealous, and my parents were proud.  After I got home, however, I proceeded to put every single pound I had lost, back on.  

It was at this time I decided to make it a serious matter of prayer.  After all, how many times are we told in the scriptures, "Ask and ye shall receive", or "If you ask in faith with a sincere heart…", if it is a righteous desire, I should receive it…right?  For the last ten years, that prayer is one that is never far from my heart.  I am uncomfortable in my own skin.  I don't feel attractive, I don't even feel beautiful anymore.  I think I did for a little bit, until these last 40 lbs I put on ever since I started having back issues.  Anyway, the point is I have worked so hard, fought so hard, and continue to fight, even though so much of this seems to be a losing battle.  

Now, is where I insert some of the things I have learned along the way as I have so earnestly prayed, fasted, bargained, threw tantrums about, protested over, and pleaded with The Lord for Him to help me…to allow me to lose the weight.  Yep, that is right, I just said "allow" me to lose the weight.  But we will get back to that in a minute. 

First thing is first.  When I started praying for this righteous desire, Heavenly Father taught me that a major reason I was holding on to the weight was because of some emotional issues I was holding on to and not dealing with.  I'm not expert, but I think I can say for most anyone that deals with being overweight or obese, there are emotional issues there that are contributing to your weight.  If you did not know that already, or have not ever thought about that before, it is a great place to start.  Okay, so I started working on that, I started seeing a counselor. Check! 

Three years later, and nothing had changed…  Then one day, I felt like going to the library and as I was browsing through all the books, I found The Fat Girl's Guid to Life by and English author, Wendy Shanker.  This book rocked my world!!  In this book, she also referenced another British author Susie Orbach, and her book Fat is a Feminist Issue.  I devoured both of these books.  There is way too much information in them for me to share here, so I highly recommend reading them yourselves (also keeping in mind, I didn't necessarily believe EVERY thing they said, but that is Non-fiction for you).  However, a couple of things stood out to me.  I began to understand how culture shapes each of us individually, and how we all handle that shaping in our own ways.  For example, the world likes to tell us that as women, our worth is embedded in our sexuality, in our ability to be good mother's, and in our ability to adapt ourselves to this "man's world."  Many women handle that pressure differently, some embrace it, some fight against it, and some…avoid the debate altogether and put a physical barrier between themselves and these pressures.  I realized, myself, that I had a real issue with being seen as a sexual object, in that I knew I was so much more than that, and that was a major reason behind me putting on so much weight.  Subconsciously, it made sense that if I could put an cushion between me and men, I could avoid that problem, and if I could get them to see me for all of my other qualities, and like me for those reasons and not for my sexuality, then goal accomplished.  The truth is, even though I somewhat understand and comprehend this, it is still a major issue for me. 

Another concept that stood out to me, was the weight-loss industry and what a bunch of crap it is.  The thing that really stood out to me was when Wendy Shanker talked about specific weight-loss companies that we have all belonged to at one time or another…they are businesses…they are in this to make money, and if we lose weight, and keep it off…they are out of business!  I admit, I was in denial about this for a while…"but I did lose weight, it did work, I was the one who gave up…"  As hard as this was for me to swallow, when it comes right down to it, if you have to invest any kind of money on a program to help you lose weight, it's a load of crap, and a waste of your time, your emotion, and your money.  

One final thing that I will share that I gleaned from these books, was that by limiting myself from eating foods that all my life were "bad" for me, I was creating a destructive pattern for me.  I would limit myself, and then I would lose all will-power, and go binge on that thing I had restricted myself from.  What I did next took a leap of faith, but I decided to stop that behavior and to learn a new behavior by doing the exact opposite.  If I wanted something, I would go buy  a three month supply of it, so my subconscious would know that I was not going to run out of it.  I know, it sounds crazy to stock your freezer brim-full with ice cream, twinkles, and cupcakes, but that is exactly what I did.  I also went out and got a 24 pack each of my three favorite sodas.  The logic behind this for me was, that all my life I had been doing the same thing expecting different results.  That is insanity!  So, I stopped.  And you know, what?  I don't binge on that stuff anymore.  It was almost immediate.  I stopped feeling deprived.  That stuff started to lose its appeal.  I now hardly ever even crave it.  I crave sugar, for sure, but when I go to the store, or even think of going to the store to buy it, nothing sounds good, and I end up not getting anything and am just fine afterward.  Every food I grew up obsessing over and binge eating, has become unappetizing.  Oh! and, when I decided to take that leap of faith, I didn't gain an single pound. In fact, I lost about 30 lbs. at one point after I started doing that.

So, for the last ten years, I have been learning these things and implementing them into my life.  I did gain back those 30 lbs. and another 10 when issues with my back made me immobile, and I would over eat in order to feel some kind of control over my life, but that is another story.  The point is, I am still over-weight.  Ten years of pleading, and praying, and fasting, and throwing fits, and bargaining, and protesting, and this blessing was still not granted unto me.  Was I not worthy?  Was it not a righteous desire after all?  Did He want me to be miserable?

No. I was doing everything He asked me to do, and I had come so far.  I was a completely different person than when I started.  I am kinder, I have more compassion, I have a much stronger and closer relationship with The Lord.  I am less judgmental, in a big way!  The thing He has taught me lately is from Ether 12:27 

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their^aweakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them."

Did you notice the part where He say's "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble".  I have come to understand that when the Lord gives us things, it is because no amount of our own worldly power can acquire it on our own.  Contrary wise, if He gives it to us, He has to have the final say in it going away "then will I make weak things become strong unto them".  

I have to keep doing my part.  I have to keep working for it.  I have to continually humble myself, particularly about this thing, before Him.  I do not know when or if in this life I will ever be a “comfortable” weight for me.  I think I still have a lot of unhealthy attitudes toward myself and about being overweight, mostly about my self-worth, but I know this weakness has been absolutely essential to my growth in this life, and it will continue to be a part of my life until The Lord sees fit that it be gone.  That does not give me a license to give up.  It gives me incentive to press forward, with steadfast faith in Christ.

The Lord has taught me some other cool things about my weight, and why I still need it, but those are personal and sacred and if they are true for anyone else, then they are things that need to be sought out and learned by the Spirit.  Which, I guess is the whole reason I felt very strongly about writing about this subject.  I know so many amazing women, bright, intelligent, spiritual, amazing women, who are dealing with very similar things, and if this can be of any help at all, to anyone, men included, then it is worth laying a lot of myself open like this.  

Several posts before, I talked about extending challenges to you, my wonderful readers, and to myself.  My challenge this time, is to pray about this for yourself.  If you have ever struggled with weight issues, or if someone you love has ever struggled with weight issues, pray about it.  If you  are the one struggling, pray to find out what The Lord needs you to learn from this weakness, and then lay this burden at His feet.  If it is someone you love, pray to understand how you can be supportive and...understanding.  And, if you have thoughts, and would like to share them, please comment below.

Poisonous Dinner!

I don't know that I have ever posted anything about food before, but I just had the most amazing dinner and I had to share it with all of you.  If anyone is following me on Pinterest, you may have noticed I recently pinned a recipe for Jalapeño Popper Chicken.  I made that tonight, and it was glorious.  However, what really sent it over the edge was the Lemon-Chive Roasted Vegetables I made to go with it.  I have been craving vegetables like crazy lately and my favorite way to make them is to roast them at *400-*425 with olive oil, sea salt, and garlic 'til they are mostly caramelized.  I do this with any vegetable I roast.  Most recently it has been asparagus and green beans, yummmmmm.

Now, I feel I must disclose that I am not an exact measurer when it comes to cooking, sometimes not even when baking (I know that's so bad), but I have to say I have a %90 success rate in the kitchen so I don't worry too much.  This does make it quite difficult, however, for people who want recipes.  I'm telling you all this, because I tweaked these recipes a bit.  For the chicken, I used the recipe as a guideline.  I think I used all the same ingredients (maybe not exact amounts), except for the topping.  I did not have pork rinds, but I did have potato chips so I used those instead, and since the chips were full of fat and salt anyway, I didn't use any of the other ingredients for the topping.  This recipe was supposed to be low-carb, so I just totally ruined it, but I'm not worried about carbs.

The vegetables I used were yukon potatoes, sweet potatoes, carrots, onions, and cauliflower. And again, I didn't measure, I just filled up that jelly roll pan with as much as it could hold, and roasted away.  However, because it was more crowded, it didn't caramelize as much as I usually like it to.  I didn't measure with the lemon and chives either.  I used freeze dried chives, and one whole lemon.  The sweetness of the sweet potato is the thing that makes this whole ensemble sing…in your mouth…like an entire opera being performed in there!

The links to the recipes are at the top of this post if you are interested.  If you try either of these recipes, I would love to hear how they turned out.  Let me know in the comment section below!

"Blessed Are They That Mourn"

I'm so sorry for the long absence.  I know that it is death to a blog when you let it laps for that long, but hopefully you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. Things got hard, and when things get hard I tend to "run" and retract inside myself.  I'm sure that's pretty normal, but to my thinking, not healthy.  I'm working on that.

I guess it would be appropriate to update you on my situation.  I am in Logan.  Just before moving down here, I was able to go to my last Doctor's appointment in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho with my good friend Sheila, and afterward we went to the temple in Spokane, Washington (these events may have occurred the other way around, but that is not what is important here, focus).  It was a wonderful day spent with my friend, and also so full of emotion.  The fact that I was leaving this beautiful place full of so many friends who had become my family was starting to sink in and weigh heavily on my soul.  My time in Moscow had been a time of healing, and much growth.  I was able to feel safe and at peace for the first time in my life.  I felt safe in the arms of my Savior in Moscow.  Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all sunshine and roses in Moscow.  There were a lot of trials, and learning experiences, and some pretty dark times to go through, but it is the place that I learned to find peace admits the storm.

It was in the temple during this trip with Sheila, where The Lord told me "it is going to be hard," referring to my move down here to Logan.  I thought, "Hey, I've been through hard before.  Living two years with a broken back isn't exactly a piece of cake".  I just knew I could handle it, no matter what the trial.

Upon reflection of the events from then to now, I think this has been the most traumatic experience I have ever been through.  I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but I think I can honestly say that.  The drive down here was nothing short of a nightmare, made worse by the fact that I was all alone in a one-ton truck piled high with all of my earthly possessions and my poor terrified cats in the cab of the truck with me huddled under blankets for safety (the pet carrier I had ended up being too big and a safety hazard, so I had to ditch it).  There were times I wished I could just pull over to the side of the road and just quit.  Just give up.  It was too hard.

As I think about it, I don't think there has been a week that has gone by that I haven't had similar thoughts, figuratively of course.

Alas, I am here in Logan now, and at least my physical safety is no longer begin threatened. Only my emotional and spiritual sanity are being threatened.  I have been looking for a job for a steady two months now with no luck, and until about two weeks ago, I felt like the heaven's had sealed themselves closed and I was not receiving any guidance.

Now that you have a small glimpse into the trauma of this time in my life, let me share with you the things I have learned.

It is not a good idea to "run" when things get tough, and the heaven's only close when you stop listening to them and start leaning on your own understanding. I had built this move up in my mind to be much more like a Hollywood movie with a few slapstick moments of tension just to make the story good, but ultimately, things would end up perfect and life would be amazing.  However, when things started out with my life being in danger for 17 hours straight, I started to understand just how hard things were going to be.  That's not even counting the emotional trauma of leaving a place and people that I loved so dearly and did not want to let go of during the week of packing up my house prior to this drive from hell.  When I saw that this was the prelude to my time here in Logan, I thought, "Forget that," and I retreated inside myself, at times not even answering the phone when friends and loved ones would call to offer support and love.  It was a miserable decent into depression.  The thing that snapped me out of it was when a wonderful friend, in the most loving way you can possibly say this, told me I was being narcissistic, and that it was creating a cancer in out relationship.

She was absolutely right.  What an incredibly selfish thing to do!  As I looked further into this behavior of mine, I looked into places from which I could have learned it.  I talked to both of my parents because I noticed they do the same types of things when things get hard for them.  I prayed, I fasted, and I came to realize that I was turning my back on everything that could, and would get me out of the pain I was suppressing so skillfully.  I wasn't allowing myself to feel.  I wasn't acknowledging the pain and disappointment, and fear I was feeling.

The Savior said, "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted".  As I read that, and pondered it, I came to understand that it wasn't just a suggestion, but a commandment, if we are to be His disciples. Plus, what an amazing blessing, that every time we mourn, we will be comforted.  I wasn't doing this, therefore, I was not being comforted.  I was not allowing myself to feel my feelings, which is an extremely selfish thing to do.  The Gospel is not selfish.  If we do not allow the Savior to comfort us, we are not blessed.

As a result of my running and not allowing myself to be comforted, the heaven's closed.  There is no point in talking to someone who is not listening, and as much as I thought I was listening, I was not.  I was "listening" for things I wanted to hear, not what I needed to hear, not for truth and the things that would actually help me, I was listening for a voice that would magically make all the struggle and straining and hard times go away.  But, here is the thing, nothing grows without struggle, strain, and at times having a hard time of it.  A really good analogy my good friend told me (same one who told me I was being narcissistic, I know, she is amazing isn't she?), is that of a plant, any plant, in order to reach the sun and really begin to grow at exponential rates, it has to push through a hole lot of dirt, and it has to break through the soil at the very top.  Even then, it still has a little bit of soil on its head it has to shake off.

I think I may have broken through the top.  I have started listening to the Holy Spirit again, and not just selectively.  I am not perfect at it yet, by any means, but I am striving to listen and act on each promoting.  I am trying to be exactly obedient, and not lean on my own understanding.  Mostly I am mourning, and absolutely, I am being comforted.  I think I still have some soil to shake off, but I am no longer afraid of the dirt.

Words to Live By

I do not have a lot to say lately.  I have felt very introspective and reflective these last couple of weeks. I'm slowly dealing with having to say goodbye to my home of five years, which is painful, and trying to deal with the anticipation of going somewhere new to start a new career.  However, I want to share with you a talk that expresses where my feelings and thoughts ultimately end up.  I first heard this talk in the MTC (Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah) when our teacher read it to us.  It had such  huge impact on me that I read it now almost as much as I do my patriarchal blessing.  It's called Consecrate Thy Performance given by Neal A. Maxwell, on of the Twelve Apostles for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I love how he blends the strong message about our responsibilities to The Lord, in with the powerful truth of our individual worth.  I will share the talk here, but you can also click the link above to read it on the Church website.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

These remarks are addressed to the imperfect but still striving in the household of faith. As always, my immediate audience is myself.

We tend to think of consecration only as yielding up, when divinely directed, our material possessions. But ultimate consecration is the yielding up of oneself to God. Heart, soul, and mind were the encompassing words of Christ in describing the first commandment, which is constantly, not periodically, operative (see Matt. 22:37). If kept, then our performances will, in turn, be fully consecrated for the lasting welfare of our souls (see 2 Ne. 32:9).

Such totality involves the submissive converging of feelings, thoughts, words, and deeds, the very opposite of estrangement: “For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart?” (Mosiah 5:13).

Many ignore consecration because it seems too abstract or too daunting. The conscientious among us, however, experience divine discontent because of progression mixed with procrastination. Hence, loving counsel is given with the confirmation of this direction, encouragement to continue the journey, and consolation as we experience individually the inherent degrees of difficulty.

Spiritual submissiveness is not accomplished in an instant, but by the incremental improvements and by the successive use of stepping-stones. Stepping-stones are meant to be taken one at a time anyway. Eventually our wills can be “swallowed up in the will of the Father” as we are “willing to submit … even as a child doth submit to his father” (see Mosiah 15:7;Mosiah 3:19). Otherwise, though striving, we will continue to feel the world’s prop wash and be partially diverted.

Illustrations involving economic consecration are relevant. When Ananias and Sapphira sold their possessions, they “kept back part of the price” (see Acts 5:1–11). So many of us cling tenaciously to a particular “part,” even treating our obsessions like possessions. Thus, whatever else we may have already given, the last portion is the hardest to yield. Granted, partial surrender is still commendable, but it resembles, more than faintly, the excuse, “I gave at the office” (see James 1:7–8).

We may, for instance, have a specific set of skills which we mistakenly come to think we somehow own. If we continue to cling to those more than to God, we are flinching in the face of the consecrating first commandment. Since God lends us “breath … from one moment to another,” hyperventilating over these distractions is not recommended! (Mosiah 2:21).

A stumbling block appears when we serve God generously with time and checkbooks but still withhold portions of our inner selves, signifying that we are not yet fully His!

Some have difficulty when particular tasks enter their sunset phase. John the Baptist is a model, however, saying of Jesus’ growing flock, “He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:30). Mistakenly regarding our present assignments as the only indicator of how much God loves us only adds to our reluctance to let go. Brothers and sisters, our individual worth is already divinely established as “great”; it does not fluctuate like the stock market.

Other stepping-stones remain unused because, like the rich, righteous young man, we are not yet willing to confront what we yet lack (see Mark 10:21). A residue of selfishness is thereby exposed.

Shrinking occurs in so many ways. The terrestrial kingdom, for example, will include the “honorable,” clearly not bearers of false witness. Yet they were still “not valiant in the testimony of Jesus” (D&C 76:75, 79). The best way to valiantly testify of Jesus is to become steadily more like Him, and it is that consecration that carves out the emulative character (see 3 Ne. 27:27).

In meeting these recited challenges, spiritual submissiveness is fortunately and helpfully adroit—sometimes helping us to “let go” of things, even mortal life, other times to “hold fast,” and still other times to use the next stepping-stone (see 1 Ne. 8:30).

But if we lack proportion, the next few yards can seem so formidable. Though aware of how God blessed ancient Israel to escape from mighty Pharaoh and his hosts, myopic Laman and Lemuel still lacked faith in God to help them with a mere local Laban.

We can also be deflected if we are too anxious to please those who are ascendant in our professional and avocational niches. Pleasing “other gods” instead of the real God still violates the first commandment (Ex. 20:3).

We sometimes even defend our idiosyncrasies, as if these protrusions somehow constituted our individuality. In a way, discipleship is a “contact sport,” as the Prophet Joseph testified:

“I am like a huge, rough stone … and the only polishing I get is when some corner gets rubbed off by coming in contact with something else, striking with accelerated force. … Thus I will become a smooth and polished shaft in the quiver of the Almighty” (Teachings of the ProphetJoseph Smith, sel. Joseph Fielding Smith [1976], 304).

Since knees often bend long before minds, holding back this “part” deprives God’s work of some of mankind’s very best intellects. Far better to be meek like Moses, who learned things he “never had supposed” (Moses 1:10). Yet, sadly, brothers and sisters, in the subtle interplay of agency and identity, there is so much hesitation. The surrender of the mind is actually a victory, because it then introduces us to God’s stretching and “higher” ways! (see Isa. 55:9).

Ironically, inordinate attention, even to good things, can diminish our devotion to God. For instance, one can be too caught up in sports and the forms of body worship we see among us. One can reverence nature and yet neglect nature’s God. One can have an exclusionary regard for good music and similarly with a worthy profession. In such circumstances, the “weightier matters” are often omitted (Matt. 23:23; see also 1 Cor. 2:16). Only the Highest One can fully guide us as to the highest good which you and I can do.

On the two great commandments, Jesus declared emphatically, everything else hangs, not vice versa (see Matt. 22:40). The first commandment is not suspended just because of our vigorous pursuit of a lesser good, for we do not worship a lesser god.

Before enjoying the harvests of righteous efforts, let us therefore first acknowledge God’s hand. Otherwise, the rationalizations appear, and they include, “My power and the might of mine hand hath gotten me this wealth” (Deut. 8:17). Or, we “vaunt” ourselves, as ancient Israel would have done (except for Gideon’s deliberately small army), by boasting that “mine own hand hath saved me” (Judg. 7:2). Touting our own “hand” makes it doubly hard to confess God’s hand in all things (see Alma 14:11;D&C 59:21).

At a place called Meribah, one of the greatest ever, Moses, was fatigued by people clamoring for water. Momentarily, Moses “spake unadvisedly,” saying, “Must we fetch you water?” (Ps. 106:33; Num. 20:10; see alsoDeut. 4:21). The Lord mentored remarkable Moses through the pronoun problem and further magnified him. We would do well to be as meek as Moses (see Num. 12:3).

Jesus never, never, never lost His focus! Though He went about doing so very much good, He always knew that the Atonement awaited, pleading with perspective, “Father, save me from this hour: but for this cause came I unto this hour” (John 12:27; see also John 5:30; John 6:38).

As you and I develop additional love, patience, and meekness, the more we have to give God and humanity. Moreover, no one else is placed exactly as we are in our opportune human orbits.

Granted, the stepping-stones take us into new territory which we may be very reluctant to explore. Hence, the successful users of the stepping-stones are powerful motivators for the rest of us. We usually pay more attention to those we quietly admire. The hungry prodigal son remembered the menus in his home, but he was also drawn by other memories, declaring, “I will arise and go to my father” (Luke 15:18).

In striving for ultimate submission, our wills constitute all we really have to give God anyway. The usual gifts and their derivatives we give to Him could be stamped justifiably “Return to Sender,” with a capital S. Even when God receives this one gift in return, the fully faithful will receive “all that [He] hath” (D&C 84:38). What an exchange rate!

Meanwhile, certain realities remain: God has given us our lives, our agency, our talents, and our opportunities; He has given us our possessions; He has given us our appointed mortal spans complete with the needed breaths (see D&C 64:32). Guided by such perspective, we will avoid serious errors of proportion. Some of these are far less amusing than would be hearing a double quartet and mistaking it for the Tabernacle Choir!

No wonder President Hinckley has stressed our being a covenant people, emphasizing the covenants of the sacrament, tithing, and the temple, citing sacrifice as the “very essence of the Atonement” (Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley [1997], 147).

Breathtaking submissiveness was achieved by the Savior as He faced the anguish and agonies of the Atonement and “would that [He] might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink” (D&C 19:18). On our small, imperfect scale, we face tests and wish that these would somehow be taken away.

Consider this: What of Jesus’ ministry if He had performed additional miracles but without the transcending miracle of Gethsemane and Calvary? His other miracles brought blessed extensions of life and lessened suffering—for some. But how could these miracles possibly compare with the greatest miracle of the universal Resurrection? (see 1 Cor. 15:22). The multiplying of the loaves and fishes fed a hungry multitude. Even so, recipients were soon hungry again, while those who partake of the Bread of Life will never hunger again (see John 6:51, 58).

In pondering and pursuing consecration, understandably we tremble inwardly at what may be required. Yet the Lord has said consolingly, “My grace is sufficient for you” (D&C 17:8). Do we really believe Him? He has also promised to make weak things strong (see Ether 12:27). Are we really willing to submit to that process? Yet if we desire fulness, we cannot hold back part!

Having our wills increasingly swallowed up by the will of the Father actually means an enhanced individuality, stretched and more capable of receiving “all that [God] hath” (D&C 84:38). Besides, how could we be entrusted with His “all” until our wills are much more like His? Nor could His “all” be fully appreciated by the partially committed.

Frankly, it is our prospective selves we betray by holding back whatever the “part.” No need therefore to ask, “Lord, is it I?” (Matt. 26:22). Rather, let us inquire about our individual stumbling blocks, “Lord, is it this?” We may have known the answer for a long time and may need resolve more than His response.

The greatest happiness in God’s generous plan is finally reserved for those who are willing to stretch and to pay the costs of journeying to His regal realm. Brothers and sisters, “come, let us anew [this] journey pursue” (“Come, Let Us Anew,” Hymns, no. 217).

In the name of the Lord of the outstretched arm (see D&C 103:17; D&C 136:22), even Jesus Christ, amen. 

Moving to Logan

I am moving to Logan.  This is a very strange turn of events for me, in the fact that it does not feel strange.  I was reflecting upon this drive that I have to move, and I cannot for the life of me explain how it all came about.  I cannot pin point the moment I knew I was supposed to move.  I can pin point the moment I knew I was moving to Logan, but the need to move in the first place was, I think, fluid.  It was a culmination of throwing many different options in to one pot, letting them simmer, and ending up in a stew that tasted very much like the closing of my chapter in Moscow, Idaho, and the beginning of a new chapter for me in Logan, Utah.  All of this, I have to say, is due to constant communication with my Heavenly Father (please excuse me always calling him My Heavenly Father. Though I am very attached to Him, and claim Him as my own, I am very much aware, and firmly believe that He is Your Heavenly Father as well).
Let me switch topics for just a moment, and hopefully this will make more sense.  I gave a talk in church this last Sunday.  I have given talks in church before, but this was the most nerve wracking one I have given so far.  It was in front of a much larger audience, and one of the General Authorities was there (a General Authority, is a leader who works very closely with the Prophet).  The topic I was to speak on was a scripture in 3 Nephi 12:48 which says, "Therefore I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect".  There is a similar scripture in Matthew 5:48 that says, "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect".  Upon first reading these scriptures, it is easy to get caught up in the word "perfect" and think it is an impossible task.  However, after doing some research, I came upon a talk that Elder Russell M. Nelson, an apostle of The Lord, gave in October 1995 called Perfection Pending. In this talk, he explains the word "perfect", when taken back to its original Greek, actually means to complete, to finish, or come to an end.  I recommend reading that talk, because he gives a much more fascinating explanation than I ever could, but from that talk I learned that The Savior hadn't reached "perfection" in the sense that these scriptures are referring to until He had finished His mission here on earth and was resurrected.  So, when He asks us in Matthew to be perfect like our Heavenly Father, and in 3 Nephi, like He and our Heavenly Father (because in 3 Nephi, He was speaking as the resurrected Savior), He is asking us to fulfill our missions.  We were each sent here to learn and to grow, both important things, but we were also sent here to do certain things, to complete a mission of our own.  He is asking us to be complete, and we cannot be complete unless to do what we were sent here to do.
So, how do we fulfill something we don't even remember agreeing to do?  We have to seek guidance from our Heavenly Father through the Holy Ghost.  We have to follow the promptings of the Spirit.  This is why I am moving to Logan.  I don't know exactly what is in store for me there, but I do know that it is important for me to be obedient to the promptings I receive, and that The Lord will prepare me in every needful thing to be able to accomplish the things He asks me to do.
I know that our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ, love me, and they love you, so very much.  I know that they are there for us, to help us in any circumstance, if we will open our hearts to them.  If you are struggling with a decision in your life, or just feel like you could use an extra person on your side, I would encourage you to open up your heart in prayer, and I know you will feel the love that our Heavenly Father has for you and you will be uplifted and supported by our Savior.
I would love to hear your stories or any feedback in the comments.

Why my relationships are all about me

    It sounds like a selfish statement, but let me explain.  When it comes down to it, really comes down to the bottom line, I’m the only person in this world that I can control.  Believe me, I’ve tried!  But I’m the only one that I can control, which means, I’m the only person whose salvation I can guarantee.  I’m the only person who’s standing with the lord I can have a say in.  Sure, the choices we make affect others and others act according to our own actions, but even in that moment, I cannot choose for that person what they should feel or what they should do, I can only choose what my next action is going to be.

    Let me explain a bit.  I came from a family who tired their hardest, but weren’t perfect (for the record, I have yet to meet a family that has reached perfection, just sayin’). Don’t get me wrong, my parents did the absolute best they could given what they had going on inside. But doing your best and giving all you can, at the time, still doesn’t make your kid exempt from having issues in the future.  Doing your best doesn’t magically wipe away any dysfunction that might exist, no matter how well intentioned you are. So my family wasn’t perfect, neither was I. 

When I came home off my mission, I was a changed woman, as most missionaries are, and struggled to re-adjust to the “real” life.  Now, maybe all missionaries go through this, but once again, this is all about me, so stay with me on this.  Returning from my mission, I felt enormous pressure for things, including myself, to go back to the way they were before my mission.  I had changed too much, and for my world to reach equilibrium, I was going to have to go back to who I used to be.  Who I used to be was the golden child, the peacemaker, and the clown.  Who I used to be was also extremely low in self-confidence, self-esteem, pretty ignorant to the global world, and very immature. 

My mission, I felt, was a pivotal point in my life.  I felt like I was finally figuring out who I really was.  I was learning how to hone natural skills I had been blessed with, and I was building great amounts of confidence. 

Coming home I felt like I was forced to choose between the two different versions of myself.  Looking at my life as a missionary, I felt much like Joseph Smith, the things I had learned couldn’t be unlearned.  I knew it, and I knew God knew that I knew it, and I could not deny it.  I couldn’t unlearn things and I couldn’t go back to who I was any more than you can force a square peg into a round hole. So, after much inner turmoil, and counseling, and prayer and fasting, I ended up cutting off all contact with my family. That’s about the time I moved up here to Moscow, Idaho. 

    For about five years, I had no contact with my family.  I struggled to overcome a lot of past, to be honest with myself about who I was, who my family were, and to be honest about my relationship with my Father in Heaven.  What I found out, was that The Lord had to tear down everything I thought about how things were “supposed” to work, and He had to re-teach me everything from the ground up.  I think it is C.S. Lewis that uses the parable of the mansion that is getting a remodel in comparison with our lives in The Lord’s hands.  I felt like a mansion that was not only getting remodeled, but also getting downsized to a shack. Turns out, I wasn’t as amazing as I thought I was.

    On the other hand I wasn’t as horrible as I thought I was either.  I found out that my family members were human.  I found out that my Father in Heaven wasn’t, that in fact, He was perfect.  And I found out, that ultimately, it is all about me. 

During it all, I wished that my loved-ones could see how badly I had been hurting trying to fit back into life after my mission.  I wished so badly that they could all see their potential and reach for it, as I had learned to do.  I wished that they could understand things from my perspective.  But I had/have no control over anyone, I only have control over me, and over what I am going to do in this moment.  I learned that staying where I was, wishing for all those things outside of me to change, was insanity and, actually, it would hold me back from my own growth. 

   Now, at this point, some of you might be wondering, “but what about your family?  How did they handle it?  How could you do that to them?”  Well, that’s what I’m trying to tell you, is that just as much as my relationships are all about me, so were each of my family member’s relationships with me, about them.  I’m SURE that it was painful, and there were a lot of hurt and angry feelings.  And they have every right to those feelings. I left them in the dust!  But here’s the thing, no matter what they were feeling, those were THEIR feelings, not mine.  I could not feel those feelings for them and I could not spare them those feelings.  Just like Heavenly Father couldn’t take the cup away from the Savior.  None of us can spare our family members from the pain that we cause them.  Now, I’m not trying to justify my actions by claiming to be anything like the Savior, nor am I saying we should go around hurting each other’s feelings because “that’s their problem”, but what I am saying, what I learned, is that I cannot lock myself up so tight, and not let myself feel, shine, or grow, with all my epic failures that come along with it just to spare someone else from feeling something that they don’t like feeling.  For me, that meant total separation from my family in order to sort myself out.  That’s rather drastic!  I don’t recommend it, if you can avoid it. But for me, it was absolutely necessary! 

Again, my point is this.   My relationships are about me.  I choose how I’m going to act in them, and that means making the choice of whether or not I am going to be acted upon.  It also means taking on extreme amounts of responsibility for your actions, and I learned quickly that the lens of kindness is the best one to look out of when determining what my choices are going to be. 

I chose to open my heart up to my Heavenly Father and start from scratch building a relationship with Him.  I chose to learn what healthy relationships are supposed to look like, and then I chose to start patterning my relationships after those healthy relationships.  I made the heartbreaking decision to cut off contact with my family, knowing that the only way I could be of any help to my family was to make myself healthy first.  And then I chose after five years, and with the help of my Heavenly Father, to finally forgive, put past perceived wrongs behind me and start building a relationship with my family again from scratch. 

I have no control over my family’s feelings or choices, which means in some cases that there may not be as much of a relationship as I would like, but I can still make the choice to love and support them in the ways that I can. 

So, when you think about it, it’s really quite glorious, because that means, that when one of my friends or family members makes a “mistake” (I put it in quotes, because 9 times out of 10 I’m the one who perceives it to be a mistake when it’s actually not) in the relationship department, I am the one that can choose to take that grief to my Heavenly Father and ask Him to help me understand it and overcome it, because, hey, they were just acting in their own self interest.  That provides me with a tremendous amount of freedom to choose to love my loved-ones, period.  I have the freedom to choose to forgive them.  I have the freedom to ask my Heavenly Father to help me with those things because I cannot do them on my own, but I have the freedom to ask.  It’s all about me.  That’s what I fought for in the pre-existence.  That’s what we fought for in the pre-existence.  The freedom to choose… for ourselves.