Now that I have grown up a bit, and pondered that concept continually ever since initially hearing it in my youth, I feel the answer lies somewhere in between. We have no choice as to what life is going to throw at us. When you really think about it, there is very little we can control in our lives. I can do nothing about the choices other people make, especially when they decide to be a complete jerk to me. The "correct," or should I rather say common response to a situation in which someone decides to be a complete jerk, is anger. However, when anger is broken down, at its base, it is fear, and sadness. It is pain, and a natural reaction to pain is to avoid it, which makes anger very convenient. That pain becomes a hot potato we launch at the appropriate person, place, or thing that wounded us in the first place. I like to think of anger as a secondary emotion. Much like secondary colors, it is a result of a mixture of other base emotions, and as such, it cannot stand on its own. Purple has to have the support of both red and blue in order to exist, so does anger need a combination of baser emotions to exist. And what are baser emotions other than energy that needs to be expended? Does it help us to be angry? Is the result of any action taken in anger ever helpful? No. So, this is where the choice comes into play.
The choice is to recognize the primary or base emotions, and to choose to feel them, as painful as they are, and expend that energy. I have found the best way to expend emotional energy, whether positive or negative is to share it, and the safest place to share it is with the Lord. The choice is to reject the spirit of contention that presents itself as a seed of anger, and instead to choose to feel the sadness, or confront the fear. This, naturally, takes faith, hope, and trust.
Lately I have been contemplating the concept of "things as they really are". (Jacob 4:13) Elder Maxwell points out in his book by the same name, that Jacob is the only person to use the word "really" in all the books of scripture we currently have. As such, it is an anomaly that should be pondered. To see "things as they really are," is to see the truth of them and not be distracted by all the facts surrounding them (see previous post for further explanation of truth and fact), let alone being distracted by the lies that are surrounding them.
Anger is not the only thing that presents itself to us as fact and a distraction from the truth. There are a couple of key words I have found that cause distraction from truth as well, and these are "should," and "deserve". These are two words that keep the people that use them in a state of being a victim. "should," or its past tense form "should have," keep people stuck. I cannot think of any time that word is used that is actually helpful. If I think, "I should have…" the truth is that I didn't, and continuing to think about it is not productive. If I think, "I should…" then I am thinking and procrastinating rather than doing.
The word "deserve," places a sense of entitlement on the person using it, and the truth is that we are not entitled to anything in this life. We may think we have earned things, but as Elder Maxwell also said, "Since God lends us 'breath…from one moment to another,' hyperventilating over these distractions is not recommended!" What do we have in our lives that the Lord hasn't given us. We may believe that we are laboring so hard and receiving our just deserves, but the truth is we are merely expending energy, and the Lord in His mercy is granting us great blessings as a result of our efforts. My point is not to discourage any of us from thrusting in our sickle with our might, by any means. What I am trying to make clear, however, is that there is not one aspect of our lives that we truly deserve.
In Mosiah 2:21 King Benjamin states "I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live, and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another--I say, if ye should serve him will all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants."
For myself, I have come to realize, that means I don't deserve to own a car. I don't deserve to have a whole new wardrobe every year, or even every two years. I don't deserve to have even one cent more than I need to survive every month. And truly, I am grateful for what I do have. I have a scooter, and in the winter, I have a free bus and lovely friends that give me rides. I have clothes that, though they may be three to four years old, still work just fine. I have food in my pantry and refrigerator that may not produce gourmet meals, but does much more than just sustain me.
More than this, I am having to learn that I an absolutely not entitled to have life go the way I planned, and I am not just talking about going to college, getting married, having kids, and all the usual events that seem to happen to "normal" people in the "normal" way. I mean, that if the Lord grants that I could have those things, there is no guarantee I will get them in the package I expect them to be in. I went to college…didn't graduate because I had a broken back. I had a career, but the Lord made quite clear I was done with it and not to continue to peruse it. I am 32 and unmarried, and the Lord is presenting me with possibilities to build relationships and move in that direction, but these opportunities are a far cry from what I thought I wanted and expected as a "reward for living so righteously". What I am coming around to understanding, is that these "stumbling blocks" really aren't as bad as I thought they were. Just because it's not the picture I always thought I wanted, doesn't mean it's defective. In fact, if I could get over my pride, and open my eyes to the scene the Lord has placed in front of me, I am sure I would find this version of my life more glorious and beautiful that I could have imagined.
The point is choice. Life is going to move on regardless of how we choose to accept it. I can take a negative moment and choose to be angry and dwell on it and try to justify my actions and emotions, or I can choose to accept that things are the way they are, feel the pain of the sadness or confront the fear, and come out stronger on the other end. The point is to act rather than to be acted upon. Choose to live, choose to believe, choose to love, to choose happiness. These really are choices, because the alternative is to choose to be a victim to failure, to anger, to bitterness, to loneliness, and unbelief. It brings a whole new meaning to Joshua's call to "…choose you this day whom ye will serve…but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." That may see like an over simplification, but it is really not. To choose happiness, love, belief, hope, kindness, humility, is to choose to follow and serve the Lord. By choosing to be a victim, we are choosing to distance ourselves from Him.
In this new year, I hope to choose to root out places in my life where I feel entitled, to let go of that entitlement, and choose to be grateful for what I have already. This year, I am going to choose happiness. I am going to choose love. What are you going to choose?
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